


Reminisce

by ClexaGriffin



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:56:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8124379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClexaGriffin/pseuds/ClexaGriffin
Summary: Based on the movie The Vow but gayer.





	1. Chapter 1

After 2 months of being ‘’the woman who eats and sleeps here’’ I was worried my job wouldn’t let me be here anymore. Of course I still had priorities at home with my job and all, but right now I was with my biggest priority: my fiancée. After we crashed in the car about 2 months ago, I wasn’t sure if she’d be okay. Every day I come here to the hospital and visit her. And the doctors are right, I do eat and sleep here most of the time. I don’t care about visiting hours, I just sneak in to see her anyway even though I’ve been caught several times now… I just need to see her. I want to be here when she wakes up. If she wakes up. 

The first time I saw her after the accident I think I cried for 3 hours straight. Seeing her with all the tubes in her body, her perfect face damaged with scratches and bruises, wasn’t easy for me to see. I don’t think there has passed a day without me blaming myself for it. I was driving. I should’ve seen the truck coming even though he passed through red lights. And here I was, only a few scratches and bruises on my face and body, sitting on a chair next to Clarke. It wasn’t fair this way. I should’ve been the one in a coma. I am the one to blame. 

I put my thoughts away for a second and grabbed my laptop. Sometimes I brought some important work from my job with me. See, I own a company and unfortunately life goes on when your fiancée is in a coma and clients come and go. I looked at my watch. Almost 11 pm. I looked at Clarke who seemed to be in a really deep sleep, just like any other day. Just when I opened my email on my laptop, the nurse came in. She just stood there for a while, not expecting me to still be here. The nurse was an old lady whose name was Nelly. She has been taking care of Clarke the moment we got here. She felt really sorry for me all this time and I knew she was too sweet to send me away from the hospital so I stood up myself.

‘’Don’t worry, I was just leaving.’’ I said, packing my bag.

Nelly only nodded. ‘’I’m sorry darling.’’ She had the same sad eyes as in the past two months.

‘’No, it’s okay. I don’t want you to get in trouble. I’ll sleep at home. Besides, tomorrow’s a new day.’’ I smirked.

I turned to Clarke and gave her a kiss on her forehead. ‘’I’ll see you tomorrow, my love.’’ I whispered. 

I gave Clarke one last look before walking towards Ellen. I gave her a quick nod and she nodded back with the same sad eyes she always gave me when I was leaving.

I left the hospital and drove home, to our apartment. Opening the front door and not having a happy fiancée running towards you and hugging you tight was the part I missed most when coming home. Clarke and I have been living together since two years now. That’s about after three years of dating. And now we were engaged for six months. I remember exactly the moment I went down on one knee, at the beautiful lake just outside the city where we shared our first kiss five years ago. I made her the most simple promise that night. I promised her to always love her no matter what. That’s when she sobbed ‘’of course I’ll marry you, you idiot’’ and I put on the ring which was my mother’s. My parents died in a car accident before I met Clarke. Her parents… Well. She broke the contact about four years ago with them. Apparently they didn’t like the thought of Clarke being with me. Or with any other woman. It was all good when she was dating her boyfriend Finn back then, but after he broke her heart, she couldn’t be with him anymore. I’m not really complaining, otherwise we would’ve never been together now. But I’m still looking forward to the day of seeing him and punching his face after hurting Clarke so much. Anyway, I never forced Clarke to break the contact, believe it or not. In fact, I strongly recommended her to keep in touch with them, because I knew how hard life can get without your parents around. Of course her parents hate me even more now that they think I convinced Clarke to do that. 

I took a deep breath and changed from my khaki pants, blouse and blazer into my comfy pajama’s. It felt lonely sleeping without Clarke, that’s why I sometimes sleep at the hospital which I’m not always allowed to. I closed my eyes and thought of tomorrow. A new day for Clarke to wake up.

\----

I hadn’t slept a lot last night, but this was new since the accident. At night my thoughts were going crazy. Thinking about everything that had happened lately. Also, when I‘m finally asleep I just have terrible nightmares about anything. Mostly about the accident.

I was already on my way to the hospital at 10 a.m. and I stopped at Starbucks to get myself a coffee. Clarke and I always went to the little restaurant next to Starbucks. They served ‘’the best chocolate cake in the world’’ in Clarke’s own words and so her favorite restaurant. She always ordered the chocolate cake for dessert and the hungry smile on her face when seeing the cake could make my day. 

I entered the hospital like every other morning for the last two months. I greeted the nurses on the way to Clarke’s room who probably all knew me for being here every day. When I entered Clarke’s room I found her laying in the same position as always. I still couldn’t get used to seeing her with the tubes in her arms and nose. It would always break my heart seeing her in this condition. 

I sat down next to her on the bed, grabbed her hand carefully and kissed it. I stayed there for a little while holding her hand. I remembered I took her proposal ring and took it home with me. I don’t really know why, I guess I just wanted it to be safe so nothing happens to it.

Then I heard someone close behind me speak. ‘’Morning miss Woods.’’ 

I turned around and saw it was Nelly again. ‘’Morning Nelly. How many times have I told you that you can just call me Lexa?’’ 

Nelly smiled. ‘’I’m referring to the same person’’.

I laughed. ‘’That’s true.’’

It stayed silent for a while and I started stroking Clarke’s hand carefully, noticing the bruises here were almost gone. 

‘’I admire what you do.’’ Nelly broke the silence.

I looked up to her and smirked but then frowned. 

‘’You’re here every single day from morning till night if it’s not any longer. You have so much hope in you that I can’t believe she hasn’t woke up yet.’’ 

I smirked a little, looking at Clarke’s hand. ‘’I have to. She’s my only family. I can’t give up on her’’.

Nelly nodded. ‘’Darling, you remember what the doctor said, right? I just don’t want it to come as a total shock for you. I want you to be prepared if anything goes wrong, which we don’t hope it does. But even if she wakes up, we have no idea how she’s going to react. She might even be a total different person.’’

I nodded and tried not to think about that.

‘’I just want you to be prepared if something like that happens.’’ 

I nodded once again. ‘’I know. Thanks Nelly’’.

Nelly smiled and then left.

I closed my eyes and tried to think about something else Nelly just told me. It wasn’t the first time she told me about the risks, but this time really got me. 

I carefully placed Clarke’s hand back on the bed and stood up, grabbing the chair I was always on. I sat down and let out a deep sigh, still looking at Clarke. Some people say ‘You don’t know what you have until it’s gone’. I did know what I had, that’s exactly why I’m here every day. I miss her so much.

I grabbed my laptop and opened it, ready to mail some of my clients back. I logged in and saw the background picture on my desktop, just like any other day. I loved it, stared at it for a little while and smiled. It was a picture of me. 

Kidding. It was a picture of me and Clarke at the lake where I proposed. I was kissing her cheek on the picture and she was smiling wide, the lake visible behind us. I remember exactly how I felt on the picture, at that moment. I was happy. Happy that Clarke was happy. Happy to be there with her at that exact moment. Then I realized I was smiling wide at my laptop. I opened a folder on my laptop with more pictures of Clarke and me. My clients could wait. 

After a while of looking at pictures I still couldn’t get over the fact how beautiful she looked on each one of them. That’s when Nelly came in. I noticed her grabbing another chair and placing it next to me. She sat down and looked at the laptop screen that was still showing pictures of Clarke and me. We both remained silent for a while.

‘’Was that in Italy?’’ Nelly asked, pointing at a picture. 

I clicked on it so it became bigger. 

I smiled. ‘’Yes. Great times.’’

It was a picture of Clarke smiling and pointing at the colosseum behind her. 

‘’When did you go?’’

‘’About a year ago. It was a surprise for her birthday. I took her the day after her birthday and she actually thought I was going to propose to her there.’’ I laughed. 

‘’Why didn’t you?’’ Nelly asked shocked.

I sighed. ‘’I proposed to her a few months ago at a lake just outside the city where we share a lot of great memories. I guess I just wanted to propose to her at a place we could always come back to and reminisce about that day.’’

Nelly smiled and nodded. ‘’You really thought this through.’’

I smiled. ‘’Kind of.’’

Nelly laughed. ‘’What other great memories do you share there if you don’t mind me asking?’’

I laughed. ‘’I don’t mind. Well, for example, we met each other there for the first time and we had our first kiss there.’’ 

‘’Right, so the lake is just a place for every first time of yours.’’ Nelly laughed but then realized what she had said.

‘’Oh, I didn’t mean… I was referring to the first time proposal and kiss.’’

I laughed out loud. ‘’Don’t worry Nelly. That we didn’t do at the lake.’’ 

I could see Nelly felt a little awkward which made me laugh even more.

‘’So, what was your first kiss like?’’ She tried to change the subject.

‘’Well, it was nice.’’ 

‘’That’s it? Nice?’’

I smiled. ‘’I’m not a big fan of talking about these things to other people. But, I guess I’ll make an exception for you.’’

‘’Good. Also, tell me how you first met.’’ Nelly smiled.

‘’So, when I met her there at the lake she was with a few friends and I was with my non-biological sister Anya.’’ I paused and smiled. ‘’Clarke immediately caught my eye the moment she walked in. Anya and I had no idea there were other people that knew this place so we got a little mad. Clarke and her friends were kind of being loud and noisy too. Anya told me to go over there and tell them to keep it down a little. Of course I didn’t think twice, because it would be a great excuse to go talk to her. When I walked towards them I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous as hell. I stood there in front of the three girls who were around seventeen years old and said: I had no idea other people knew about this place. They all laughed and one of her friends answered: guess you’ll have to share it with us from now on. I remember Clarke being quiet and all, until I began talking to her. I said: Do you mind if we join you? And Clarke looked at her friends and answered: I guess not. So I went to tell my sister and she couldn’t believe I did that but joined us anyway. We all became good friends but I saw it as a chance to talk to Clarke and we immediately clicked after talking a little bit. It felt like I had known her forever, no matter how cliché that sounds. 

At the end of the night I asked for her phone number which took me a lot of courage and we exchanged phone numbers. When I got home I already saw Clarke had texted me. It was a picture of the both of us that we took that night. I don’t think I’ve ever slept better than that night. Anyway, we texted almost every day after that and it took me a lot of courage to ask her out on a date. Just when I wanted to ask her out, she asked me out. I remember how great that felt. The next day she took me out for dinner and then we went back to the lake. She was wearing this beautiful red dress by the way. Anyway, I put some slow music up from my phone and asked her to dance with me there at the lake. There was nobody else around so she agreed and grabbed my neck with both hands. I remember feeling so nervous, but I still managed to sort of slow dance with her and lead. We both didn’t really know what we were doing, but just wanted to be close with each other. After a while she looked up at me and I looked at her beautiful dark blue eyes. I couldn’t hold myself in because she just looked so so so beautiful, especially in the moonlight and so I kissed her. It lasted too short in my opinion, but I got so many more days to overhaul the next couple of years that I’m not even complaining.’’ I sighed happily.

It stayed silent for a while. 

‘’Oh crap I was rambling again, wasn’t I?’’ I said.

Nelly laughed out loud. ‘’I don’t mind. I wish my husband would talk about me like that.’’

Suddenly I felt a little sorry for the woman and didn’t know what to say.

‘’I think you two make a great couple out of your stories. She’s lucky to have you. I can tell you really love her.’’ Nelly smiled genuinely. 

I smiled wide. ‘’I really do.’’

\---- 

Later that day Raven came to visit Clarke. She had been Clarke’s best friend since high school. Just like Octavia. All of us have gotten so close since I met them and I felt grateful for that. They help me getting through this too. We help each other.

Raven and I went out for dinner together because ‘I needed some air’ in her opinion. Maybe she was right. 

‘’Still no progress?’’ Raven asked.

I sighed. ‘’Nothing. Apparently she moved her hand last week when I was of course in the bathroom, but they say that it’s normal. Nothing to get too excited about’’.

‘’Oh. That’s disappointing.’’ 

‘’Yeah…’’

‘’Lex, are you getting enough rest at night? Because you look exhausted.’’ 

I rolled my eyes. ‘’Thank you for pointing that out. I know I look like shit because I sleep like shit.’’

‘’Well you’ve always looked like shit but right now just a bit more.’’

I rolled my eyes again. ‘’Shut up, Reyes’’.

\---- 

After dinner I went back to the hospital for a while without Raven. It was almost dark outside now. I once again entered Clarke’s room and I didn’t expect what I was about to see. I saw our doctor and another one with Nelly surrounding Clarke who was lying in bed. When I moved closer it seemed like she was moving, but maybe it was my hopeful imagination.

‘’What’s going on?’’ I asked.

They hadn’t notice me before and jumped a little when they heard my voice. 

I looked through the doctors at Clarke who was looking back at me. Eyes open. Eyes open? 

‘’Clarke? Is she…’’

‘’Yes, she just woke up. Let’s go easy on her. I explained to her she was in a car accident. She’s really confused but remembers who she is so that’s good news.’’

I noticed I was holding my breath all this time. In shock I walked towards Clarke and sat down next to her on the bed. I grabbed her hand. ‘’You’re awake’’. Was all I could say with my broken voice and the biggest smile on my face. All this time I had been waiting for this moment. Even though I wanted to be here myself when she first opened her eyes, I was already happy she had her eyes open. My insides felt like jumping out from all the happiness. Clarke was finally awake. And she knew who she was. 

Clarke only nodded and looked strange at my hand holding hers. 

‘’Where’s my mom?’’ She asked me. At this point my smile disappeared and my stomach dropped. I looked concerned at the doctors behind me and then back to Clarke, letting go of her hand. 

‘’What do you remember about your mom?’’ I asked her carefully. 

She frowned again. ‘’What do you mean? I don’t really know what I remember anymore.’’ She grabbed her head with both hands and started crying quietly. ‘’And my head hurts so much.’’

All I wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. But I didn’t.

‘’We will get you something for the pain’’. Her doctor said. ‘’Miss Griffin, we would like to do a few tests with you later on the day if that’s okay’’. Clarke just nodded, still her head between her hands. 

‘’I’ll get you a painkiller.’’ Nelly said and walked away.

I was still sitting next to her on the bed and I had no idea what to say. I wanted to ask her a million things, but I didn’t want to make her headache worse. Then Clarke decided to say something.

‘’Is there anybody else hurt doctor?’’ She said looking at me.

It felt like my heart stopped beating for a few seconds and everything was like a blurry memory. The doctors were just staring with a concerned look at me. After a few seconds I was able to answer her. 

‘’Clarke, you do know who I am, right?’’ I said softly.

Clarke shook her head lightly. ‘’You’re not my doctor?’’ 

‘’Um.’’ I paused and I had no idea what to say. So she didn’t know who I was. My own fiancée had no clue about who I was. She probably didn’t even know I existed. Should I tell her the truth? I didn’t want to scare her more than she already was. I didn’t want to make her feel worse than she already felt. If she didn’t remember me, then who or what did she remember?

‘’Clarke... I am- I am Lexa, your girlfriend. As in your partner. We live together.’’ 

Clarke looked at me like I was going crazy. Eyes opened wide and totally in shock.

I wanted to grab her hand but at this moment she pulled her hand away from me. 

I couldn’t believe what was happening right now. I felt like I needed some fresh air so I walked out of the room. Clarke’s doctor followed me outside. I was fighting my upcoming tears back when he spoke to me.

‘’Miss Woods, I’m sorry. The brain can be unpredictable. We had no idea what to expect if she would wake up.’’

I turned around to face him and I was sure he could see my tears now. ‘’She doesn’t know who I am.’’ 

The doctor gave me a disappointed look. ‘’We will do some tests later this day. I will be sure to inform you as soon as possible what we’ll find out’’. 

Later, I called all of our friends to let them know the news. They were all shocked. Octavia even started crying. They told me they would come visit her tonight. Right now I was just waiting in Clarke’s room, waiting for her to come back from the tests. I had gone home for a minute to pack a few clothes for Clarke. Right now I was just killing time with reading my book like any other day.

About thirty minutes later the doctor opened the door and entered, followed by Clarke. I put my book aside and followed my eyes to the bed, where Clarke was just about to lay down. 

‘’We’ll have the results in a few minutes’’. He said to us and walked away, closing the door behind him.

Clarke didn’t even look at me. To her it was like I wasn’t even here in this room. 

I broke the silence after a while.

‘’I brought you some clothes from home.’’ 

Clarke looked up at me. ‘’Thanks. I’ll put them on later’’.

I nodded.

‘’So what did they do?’’ 

Clarke looked at me with her tired blue eyes and shrugged.

‘’Just an MRI-scan and a few memory tests.’’ 

I nodded.

Silence again.

‘’Clarke, I know it’s a lot to take in. I’m sorry’’.

‘’No you don’t. You wouldn’t know what it’s like to wake up in a hospital and being told that you’ve been in a car accident and lost two months because of being in a coma. Oh and then a random women who’s way too old for me tells me that she’s my girlfriend. And I’m not even gay.’’

She sounded angry and raised her voice. 

‘’I- I’m not that old.’’ Was all I said and wanted to say. ‘’I’m only two years older than you are.’’

Clarke scoffed. ‘’No way that you’re seventeen’’. 

I squeezed my eyes together and frowned. That’s when the doctor came in. 

\---- 

Retrograde amnesia. That’s what the doctors told us Clarke had. Basically it’s a form of amnesia where your memory isn’t complete anymore. Clarke has lost about seven years of her memory. This included that she didn’t know who I was, who her stepdad Marcus was, that she was bisexual, what kind of job she was doing and a lot of other important stuff. She still thought that she was 15 years old, which is kind of creepy since I am 24 and in love with her. So I decided to take things slow. Her best friends had visited her tonight and she remembered all of them. Good thing they all met at high school ten years ago so she still remembered. She was happy to see them but shocked they all looked so ‘’old’’ which we all laughed at. All of them were feeling sorry for me of course and supported me which I really needed. 

When Clarke returned from the bathroom in her the clothes I brought her I could see something was wrong. She stared at me for a little while.

‘’You’re sure? These are my clothes?’’ 

I smiled and nodded. 

‘’Ew.’’ 

I laughed a little. ‘’You don’t like it?’’

‘’God no! Did I really buy these?’’ She said, pointing at her clothes. ‘’Or did you buy them for me?’’ 

I scoffed. ‘’I did not. You never let me buy you clothes.’’ I smiled.

It seemed like Clarke smirked a little. 

‘’So… Are we really together? As in, we’re a couple?’’

I smiled. ‘’Yep’’.

‘’For how long have we been together?’’

‘’For five years.’’ I let the part out where we were engaged for six months. That was too much for her too handle. Suddenly I was happy I took off her ring.

‘’I still don’t understand. I’m definitely not gay. I remember having this huge crush on this guy in my class, Finn’’.

Suddenly, a lot of thoughts crossed my mind at hearing the name Finn. Shit. She remembers she has feelings for him.

‘’Well, you’re not gay. You’re bi’’. Was all I said.

‘’Oh. Still, I don’t feel bi. I can’t imagine I would be okay with that either.’’

I don’t know why, but this hurt me more than I expected. 

‘’Maybe you’re not, maybe you are. Who knows, maybe this memory thing has completely changed you.’’ I tried to lighten the mood a little.

‘’So you wouldn’t mind if I would decide I’m straight?’’

Of course I would mind. You’re my fiancée and I want you to spend the rest of your life with me, not with some other guy that I clearly would have no chance with. 

‘’It’s complicated.’’ Was the only thing I said. It really felt like I was talking to a 15 year old which I basically was. 

Clarke nodded and looked at the ground. ‘’I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do’’. She explained. ‘’I just want to see my mom’’. 

I nodded.

‘’I could call her if you’d like.’’ I would literally do anything to see her happy again. It could get awkward because I don’t know if her mom would want to see her, but I could at least try.

‘’Could you?’’

‘’Sure, why not?’’ I smiled.

‘’Thank you. I’d really appreciate that. I don’t really understand why she isn’t here already.’’

‘’Well. You haven’t really talked to her since a few years ago.’’

Clarke widened her eyes. ‘’What? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’’

‘’I mean… the doctors said no more big surprises for you because you’re confused enough already. But I think it’s fair that you know.’’

‘’Why haven’t I talked to her in years?’’

I paused for a moment. ‘’I don’t know. That happened before you met me’’. I lied. I didn’t want to tell her, it could maybe influence her opinion about her mom too much.

‘’And I never talked about it? In those five years that we’ve been together?’’

God I was a terrible liar. ‘’You… didn’t really wanted to talk about it so I just let it be.’’ 

Clarke nodded in approval. 

‘’I’ll look up her phone number and call her. Be right back.’’

A moment later I found her mom’s phone number and called her. I would’ve lied if I would say I wasn’t nervous. But after she picked up her phone, we had a short conversation. She was shocked Clarke was in the hospital and all, but didn’t seem to understand why I was calling her. I explained her everything the doctors had told me and apparently the amnesia part was the good part. She won’t remember a lot of stupid things she has done, she said. I just wanted to scream to her but didn’t. 

A little while later Clarke’s mom Abby arrived and entered Clarke’s room. I was reading a book and heard Clarke say ‘you don’t have to be here all the time’ more than a few times. I ignored her every single time and just smiled. Then her mom entered with her boyfriend Marcus and Clarke immediately went from depressed to happy. I already missed those times when I could make her that happy.

‘’Mom! Oh my god why does everybody look older all of a sudden?’’ She hugged her mom which she didn’t expect. 

‘’Watch your mouth young lady’’. Abby said.

After breaking the contact I stood up because obviously they didn’t want to greet me. ‘’Hi Abby. Hi Marcus.’’ I said as normal as possible. 

Clarke turned to Marcus and looked questionable. 

‘’Oh right, you don’t remember Marcus, do you? We’ve been together for a few years now.’’

Not surprised they ignored me but still, it was rude.

Clarke shook hands with Marcus and kind of seemed to be a little disturbed by it, but she was happy for her mom.

For the last hour I had been listening to Clarke and her mom discussing the most fun memories of her childhood. Clarke looked so happy and even her mom was all happy. Not towards me. I was getting completely ignored by all three of them. 

‘’I remember dad gave you a teddy bear for your birthday when you turned 8 and you felt so grown up that you didn’t want it. But years later you still had it and I wasn’t allowed to take it away from you. You secretly slept with it every single night.’’ Abby explained with a smile.

Clarke laughed. ‘’Yeah’’.

‘’It’s the bear with the big heart in the middle, right? Because you still have it. You still sleep with it sometimes.’’ I chuckled at my own memory, the adorable view of Clarke holding a teddy bear between her arms, fully asleep.

They all turned to me. Abby did not look so happy.

‘’I do? But I’m 22.’’ 

I laughed. ‘’Yeah but that never stopped you from sleeping with it.’’

Clarke looked proud and satisfied.

‘’No need to get jealous, Lexa’’. Abby said.

I frowned and so did Clarke. 

‘’Don’t worry, I’m not jealous of a teddy bear’’. 

Her mom scoffed and before this could any worse Clarke’s doctor came in. 

‘’Miss Griffin, I’ve got some news for you. I just talked to the other doctors and we all agree that you can go home tonight.’’

Clarke’s smile was wide and she stood up. ‘’I can? What about my head?’’

‘’We’ve already planned the next appointment for next week. The only thing that you can try for now is to continue your lifestyle just like before the accident. This way you are more likely to get you memory back.’’ 

‘’But there’s a big chance she won’t get her memory back.’’ Abby said to the doctor. Abby the doctor showing herself off.

‘’Yes… But you can always try.’’ 

‘’What if she doesn’t want her memory back?’’ Abby asked, looking at Clarke.

Clarke looked confused. 

‘’Well, I guess I do want my memory back. I’ve lost too many years. I could give it a try.’’ Clarke looked at me.

‘’That means you’ll have to stay with her.’’ Abby said disdainfully, pointing aggressively to me.

‘’Clarke, I would like for you to come with me of course, but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I’ll support you with whatever choice you make.’’ I said.

Clarke smirked. 

‘’It’s kind of weird going home with a stranger, but I could at least try, right?’’ She shrugged. ‘’I could always come back home with you if it doesn’t work out.’’ She told her mom. ‘’I just really want my memory back.’’ 

Her mom rolled her eyes and tried to convince her about ten times more, but Clarke held on to her own idea.

‘’Great, you’ll go living with your girlfriend. I’ll see you next Tuesday, 10 a.m.’’ Clarke’s doctor said and walked away.

I could see Clarke felt a little embarrassed at the word ‘girlfriend’. 

Clarke gave her mom and Marcus one last hug and then we walked to my car. 

‘’Nice car you have there.’’ She said.

I smiled. ‘’Thanks. It’s yours too.’’ 

We got in the car and I could see she had a smile on her face.

‘’Oh is that why I’m with you? Are you rich or something?’’ Clarke laughed more than I did.

‘’I’m kidding. Relax Lexa. Relexa.’’ She said proudly and laughed again.

I rolled my eyes and laughed a bit too. 

‘’But seriously, are you rich?’’

I laughed. ‘’No. I mean, I own a company and it’s not exactly going terrible. But your job isn’t terrible either.’’

‘’That’s cool. What do I do?’’

‘’You’re an artist. You paint a lot, design a lot of things for weddings, companies, even advertisements sometimes.’’ 

‘’An artist? Wow, I haven’t thought about becoming that after I was like seven years old. I wanted to be a doctor just like my mom.’’

‘’I know.’’ 

Clarke stared at me and then shook her head. ‘’Right, of course you know.’’ She smiled.

‘’You said I design things for companies. Yours too?’’ 

‘’Yes, you helped me too.’’

‘’Cool. You did pay me, right?’’ She joked.

‘’Sure. Just not in money.’’ I said with a straight face. 

It took her five seconds before she understood and whispered ‘Oh my god’. 

I was laughing out loud now. ‘’I’m kidding. Relax, Clarke. Reclarke.’’ I tried.

Clarke laughed. ‘’You’re terrible at that, stop it.’’

After a few minutes of silence we finally arrived at our apartment. I parked the car and walked to the door. Clarke walked slowly behind me, hesitating. 

We got into the elevator and got out on the third floor. She was still walking behind me when I walked to the door of our apartment. When I opened the door with the key I let her enter first.

I turned on the lights while she was looking around her, taking everything in. She walked to the sofa and laid down there.

‘’I see that you have no problem at making yourself at home. Which isn’t weird, because this is your home too.’’ I said.

Clarke laughed.

‘’This is pretty cool.’’ 

I sat down next to her. All I wanted to do is hold her hand, be close to her and kiss her, make love to her, tell her everything was going to be okay. But right now, I was already happy that she went home with me.

‘’There’s not much to show around. The only thing that you need to know is that that left door over there is our bedroom and the right door is the bathroom.’’ I pointed to the doors.

Clarke nodded.

‘’Speaking of the bedroom, I’m kind of tired.’’

‘’Yeah, you should rest. Come on, I’ll show you where your stuff is.’’ I stood up and stretched out my hand to help her up. She hesitated for a moment but then grabbed my hand and helped herself up. The moment she stood with both feet on the ground she let go off my hand. It felt weird, she never used to let go like that. 

I walked to the bedroom and she followed me. ‘’This is it. This is our bed and our closet, your stuff is mostly on the left side but I don’t mind if you put on my clothes. We share clothes sometimes.’’ 

‘’Okay.’’ Clarke nodded.

‘’Oh, and I’ll sleep on the couch, don’t worry.’’ I added. I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable.

‘’Oh, well are you sure? I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.’’ She said.

I laughed. ‘’That’s okay. I’ll sleep on the couch. It’s pretty comfy.’’ 

I stood there for a little while and realized she didn’t want to change into her pajamas in front of me. It was so easy to forget. It was like she was here, but she wasn’t at the same time.

‘’Oh, right. I’ll grab my stuff and go.’’ 

Clarke smiled. ‘’Sure.’’

I grabbed my stuff as I told her and moved to the couch. It was not comfy at all. I stood up one last time and knocked on our bedroom door without opening it. 

‘’Lexa?’’ Clarke said.

‘’Yeah. Just wanted to say goodnight.’’ 

Oh how much I wanted to lay next to her and cuddle her now that she was finally here. But that was definitely not in the picture for now.

I heard Clarke laugh a little. ‘’Goodnight Lexa.’’

I smiled and went back to my not so comfy couch. I closed my eyes and for the first time in two months, I didn’t have to worry about Clarke not waking up.


	2. Chapter 2

I felt her soft lips running over my stomach, up and down a few times, using her tongue too on certain places. I gently grabbed her hair to hold myself onto her and bit my lip to hold back a moan. She must’ve noticed and moved her lips all the way up to mine while intertwining our fingers just above my head. She kissed me very softly and way too careful for such an intense experience. After a few soft kisses I couldn’t hold myself in anymore and opened my mouth to give her more access. I wanted to taste more. I wanted to taste all of her. She smiled through the kiss and then immediately grabbed the opportunity to connect our tongues. The very soft and careful Clarke from five seconds ago just turned into a passionate and heated lover. I loved both sides of hers. Every side of hers. I loved when she was on top of me. I loved when she laid under me. I loved the way she kissed me and made love to me. I love the way she held me tight when I needed it the most. I loved her beautiful smile, especially when I was the reason behind it. I loved her beautiful blue eyes which I could stare into forever. I loved the little birthmark just above her lip. I loved-

 

‘’Coffee?’’ 

 

I sat up straight immediately and saw Clarke standing in front of me, wearing a tank top and some sweatpants. My heart was beating fast after such an intense dream.

 

‘’Oh my god, I’m sorry. I seriously thought you were awake. You were even talking to me… But good morning.’’ Clarke said.

 

I felt a little embarrassed and hoped I wasn’t blushing. 

 

I tried to calm down a little. ‘’Morning to you too. And it’s not your fault. You’re right, I do talk in my sleep.’’

 

‘’Yeah, you even answered my question.’’

 

‘’Really? What was your question?’’

 

Clarke laughed. ‘’I asked if you slept well.’’

 

I felt embarrassed again and that made me laugh a little. ‘’Yeah, yeah, I did. Did you?’’

 

Clarke smiled. ''You just told me something else in your sleep. But yeah, I did actually sleep well. Our bed is freaking great.’’

 

I laughed. ''Our bed IS freaking great. But the couch was greater.'' I said jokingly.

 

Clarke laughed too now. ‘’I bet.’’ She looked down to her two coffee mugs she was holding. 

 

‘’Did you make coffee?’’ I asked surprised.

 

‘’Oh um, no. I just found the mugs and grabbed them. I have no idea how to make coffee here.’’ She laughed a little shyly.

 

I laughed and got up on both feet. I walked to the kitchen, to the coffeemaker and showed her how to do it. After a while be both had a cup of coffee.

 

‘’Milk and sugar is over there.’’ I told her.

 

‘’Oh that’s okay, I drink it black.’’

 

I smiled widely and tried to hide it by drinking my coffee. 

 

She looked at me and noticed I was smiling anyway. 

 

‘’Why are you smiling like that?’’ She said dryly. 

 

I took my time to swallow the sip of coffee I took.

 

‘’I don’t drink it black, do I?’’ Clarke could apparently read minds or something at once.

 

I laughed. ‘Two milk, one sugar. But hey, do whatever you’d like. Your way is cheaper for us if we do the groceries.’’

 

Clarke laughed a little. ‘’It’s weird that I’m different now. I feel like you know me way better than I do.’’ 

 

I smiled. ‘’You don’t have to change yourself because I know you the way you are right now. Just be yourself.’’

 

Clarke let out a relieved sigh. 

 

‘’Thanks. I’m kind of struggling with that right now.’’

 

I smiled at her and she smiled back to me. 

 

‘’Well, I think I'm gonna take a shower.'' She said after finishing her coffee.

 

''Sure, you do that. I'm going to work at home for a little bit and later on the day I have a client I'm going to. So you'll be alone for just a couple of hours if that's okay.'' 

 

Clarke nodded. ''Yeah sure, no problem.''

 

She gave me a quick smirk and walked to the bedroom.

 

The moment I heard Clarke entering the shower I stood up myself and grabbed my clothes from the closet. Just some nice black pants, a blouse, a blazer and the watch Clarke bought for me on my birthday once.

 

I took my time to fully dress myself and add some make up to my face. Just when I wanted to walk towards the door, it already went open and I saw a fully naked Clarke sneaking in. But when she saw me she screamed in shock and ran back and closed the door again. I was just shocked and amazed. I noticed my eyes were wide open and my jaw had dropped. 

 

It stayed absolutely silent on the other side from the door.

 

''Clarke?'' I asked when coming closer to the door.

 

After a while she answered.

 

''I am so sorry, I forgot my towel in here and I thought you were already gone to your client or something so I just barged in naked and this is so embarrassing.''

 

I couldn't help but laugh.

 

''Clarke don't worry, it's not the first time I've seen you like this. But I'm sorry, I should've let you know I was in here.'' I looked around me and found the towel she was talking about.

 

I heard Clarke laugh a little nervously. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

 

I knocked on the bedroom door and opened it a little bit while I was standing behind it. I gave her the towel through the small door opening. 

 

''Thank you.'' She said in the most grateful tone and grabbed the towel. 

 

''No problem.'' 

 

I waited for Clarke to go to the bathroom again and then I got out. I went to make us breakfast: eggs and bacon, which we both loved.

 

When Clarke came out a little later, fully dressed. She was wearing a pair of jeans and an oversized sweater that was actually mine. 

 

''Nice sweater.'' I said.

 

''Thanks. Finally I found something I like and feel comfortable in.'' She smiled proudly.

 

I smiled. ''That's actually mine.''

 

Clarke's smile disappeared. ''Oh um, I could put something else on?'' She asked and blushed a little.

 

I laughed a little. ''No that's okay. I told you we share close sometimes. Besides, it looks better on you.''

 

Clarke nodded and smiled shyly.

 

I offered her eggs and bacon. Clarke looked weird at me.

 

‘’What?’’ I asked.

 

''I'm a vegetarian.'' She said.

 

I widened my eyes and raised an eyebrow. ''You are? You were a vegetarian in your teenage years?'' 

 

Clarke widened her eyes. ''What do you mean 'you were'? I'm not anymore?''

 

''How come you’ve never told me that?'' 

 

''Oh my god I eat bacon?''

 

We both stared in shock at each other.

 

''You love bacon...''

 

''Ew, no I don't.''

 

I couldn't believe my ears but decided to let it go.

 

‘’Alright well, I take back the whole cheap groceries thing. What would you like to eat then?'' I joked a little.

 

Clarke shrugged lightly, still a little shocked. ''Just some eggs are fine. I won’t be expensive for you, I promise.’’

 

‘’Clarke, I was joking. Please, don’t worry about that.’’

 

Clarke remained silent.

 

We had breakfast together and didn't really talk much. After eating, I told Clarke to make herself at home and that she had every right to go to her art studio if she wanted or do anything else. She told me she wanted to wait on the studio thing because she couldn’t drive yet and I was a little busy, even though I told her I wouldn’t mind taking her. 

 

Then I went to my office in our room and began doing some work.

 

After a while I noticed it was almost time for me to go. I walked out of the office and went looking for Clarke in the apartment. I saw her sitting on the sofa, looking at a photo album. I came closer and saw her smiling at a picture where we were with all of our friends celebrating Christmas from last year. Everybody was happy and smiling. I'm guessing Clarke noticed me standing next to her because she started talking.

 

''I'm so happy we're all still friends. Do we always celebrate Christmas with our friends?'' 

 

''Yeah we do.'' I said a little rushed.

 

''No family diner?''

 

I shook my head. ''No family.'' 

 

Clarke didn't understand and frowned.

 

I sat down next to her. ‘’I don’t have any family left. My parents died in a car accident when I was ten years old.’’ I pointed at Anya on the picture. ‘’That’s my non-biological sister Anya. We were both raised in the same orphanage but we became such good friends that we’re like sisters to each other. We stayed there till we were eighteen years old and then we had to leave.’’

 

Clarke looked at me again with the same sad eyes from a few hours ago. ‘’I’m so sorry, Lexa. That must’ve been hard for you.’’

 

I shrugged. ‘’It wasn’t easy. I had nobody else to raise me. No other family members. For a kid you don’t really understand it all so I had been through a few rough years. I was pretty wild in my teenage years. I actually calmed down a bit when I met you.’’

 

Clarke smiled a little proudly. ‘’How did we meet?’’

 

I looked at my watch. ‘’Sorry, that’s a story for another time. I have to go meet a client.’’ 

 

Clarke nodded. ''Okay deal. Good luck.''

 

I stood there, not really knowing how to say goodbye to her. Normally I would have kissed her goodbye but that wasn't a smart thing to do. Instead I awkwardly gave her half a handshake, half a high five. I saw Clarke frowning and so was I. I walked to my car as fast as possible, away from the awkward situation back there and drove to my appointment. 

 

\----

 

After four hours of being with one of my clients I was exhausted. It was almost diner time and wanted to take Clarke out for diner, to her favorite restaurant if she was up for it.

 

When I finally got home, I saw no Clarke. I looked in every room, everywhere but she wasn't there. Then I saw a piece of paper laying on the kitchen table and read it.

 

'Didn't know your phone number. Called my mom to pick me up so I'm at my mom's. See you there? Xoxo Clarke.'

 

I let out a deep sigh. I guess we'll be heading at her mom's.

 

I got in my car again and drove to where Clarke was. Luckily I remembered where she lived.

 

When I got there, I saw some balloons and heard some loud music coming from her mom's house. You've got to be kidding me.

 

I rang the doorbell and weirdly enough they heard it through the loud music. Clarke opened the front door all smiley with a glass of wine in her hand. She was wearing a dress I didn't recognize but she still looked as beautiful as always.

 

''Lexa! You came! Come on in, we're having a party!'' She yelled.

 

I just smiled a little and came in. Clarke closed the door behind me and she offered me the glass of wine she had in her hand. 

 

''No thanks.'' I told her which disappointed her a little. 

 

When I entered the living room I saw people everywhere. People I didn't even know but it felt like they all knew me because I felt all their eyes laying on me, judging me silently. Clarke walked past me to a guy who was standing there with a beer in his hands. She hugged the guy and I felt my stomach twist when I saw who it was. 

 

Then I saw Clarke's mom approaching me.

 

''Who invited you?'' 

 

I gave her a fake smile. ''Your daughter did.''

 

She gave me a fake smile back. ''Too bad she has her hands full with Finn tonight.''

 

I swear to god I could fight her right there.

 

Instead I smiled fake again and walked towards Finn and Clarke.

 

I turned to Finn and introduced myself.

 

''Ah so you're the girlfriend who took Clarke away from her family. I have to admit, you do have a good taste in women princess.'' He said to Clarke. Clarke only smiled dumbly at him.

 

I raised an eyebrow. ''Ah so you're the asshole who is still an asshole.'' 

 

Finn smiled almost proudly at me. What a douchebag. I didn't feel like being here anymore so I asked Clarke if she wanted to leave.

 

''Well, I mean, this party is kind of for me coming back and all so I don't want to leave just yet.''

 

''But you could leave if you want to.'' Finn said to me.

 

I fake smiled again. ''I'm good.''

 

I went to sit down on the sofa where nobody was sitting on, right next to Clarke. When I   
looked up to Clarke I saw Finn was whispering something in her ear and Clarke just laughed at it. Then I saw Finn grabbing her waist. This motherf-. Her mom did this on purpose of course. She invited Finn, the one and only prince Romeo and the great son in law. 

 

I couldn't stop staring at Finn's hand and how it went lower and lower. I swear to god if he touches my fiancée's butt I will kick the shit out of him. Unfortunately for him he couldn't read minds so he did indeed grab her butt which Clarke didn't seem to mind. I didn't know what disturbed me more.

 

I stood up next to Clarke, ready to take that bitch down but Finn didn't seem to move his hand away or stopped whispering in her ear. Clarke did notice me and smiled genuinely at me but I could see she felt a little guilty so she pushed Finn carefully away herself. She noticed I was holding myself in to not punch him. Finn looked at me like I was some piece of dirt. 

 

Basically all night went like this. Finn being too touchy with Clarke, Clarke not minding and smiling at him. A look in her eyes which I immediately recognized, because she used to look at me like that. 

 

Around 10 p.m. everyone was gone and Clarke was saying goodnight to Finn at the front door. I couldn't see them so that made me incredibly nervous. I had no idea what they were up to but it didn't feel good. I didn't even know why I didn't follow Clarke so the two of them didn't have to be alone. I know Clarke and I aren't really together anymore, but the fact that she still had feelings for Finn broke my heart into a million pieces.

 

After ten minutes, Clarke came back to he livingroom, trying to hide the big smile on her face. Thinking about anything that could've happened there made me nauseous. 

 

I stood up from the sofa.

 

''Ready to go?'' I asked her.

 

Clarke nodded. ''I'm just gonna say goodbye to my mom and Marcus. You coming?''

 

I sighed. Why did I do all of this for her.

 

''Sure.'' I smiled.

 

Clarke walked to her mom in the kitchen, followed by me and hugged her.

 

''Thanks mom. I had fun tonight.'' 

 

Then I saw Abby whisper something in her ear and Clarke answered her smiling. ''Okay, I   
will.''

 

Clarke also hugged Marcus shortly and then looked back to me, as if I would hug them too or something. 

 

''Goodnight Abby, Marcus.''

 

I waited for Clarke's queue to leave because the two of them didn't say anything at all to me   
back.

 

''Night guys.'' Clarke said and turned around to our car.

 

As soon as we got in the car Clarke's smile disappeared.

 

I could feel something was coming.

 

When I started the engine, Clarke broke the silence.

 

''Why don't my mom and you like each other?''

 

I didn't know what to answer her so I stayed silent for a little while.

 

''She likes Finn better for you.''

 

''Yeah I figured. But why? Is it because you’re not a guy?''

 

Crap. I really didn't want to tell her.

 

''Clarke, I just really don't want to talk about it, okay?''

 

Clarke sighed.

 

''I'm going to find it out anyway some day from someone so there's no difference.''

 

I scoffed. ''Yeah there is. Because I won’t be the one to break your heart.'' I blurted out.

 

Clarke frowned. 

 

‘’What do you mean?’’ 

 

I paused.

 

‘’Clarke, just let it be. Look, I’m sorry you were bored today and I didn’t spend enough time with you. I wanted to take you out to diner today but I didn’t know you were at your mom’s, partying and all. So I would like to take you out to diner tomorrow if you’re up for it.’’

 

Clarke remained silent for a while. 

 

‘’I’m sorry, I can’t.’’

 

I looked at her in confusion.

 

‘’You’re not mad, are you?’’ 

 

Clarke shrugged. ‘’I just can’t. I’m going out for dinner with Finn tomorrow.’’ 

 

My heart skipped a beat and I felt myself getting angry. 

 

I let out a really deep sigh. Of course I told her to do whatever she wanted, but this was not what I expected. If I would be speaking from the heart I would tell her that I loved her and didn’t want her to go on a date with someone else. But then again, I didn’t want to scare her away from me so that she’ll go living with her mom again. But I couldn’t let him hurt her again. 

 

‘’Like a date?’’ I only asked.

 

‘’I don’t think so. He has a girlfriend.’’

 

I scoffed. ‘’He was touching your butt while he has a girlfriend?’’ I raised my voice.

 

Clarke didn’t know what to say.

 

I sighed.

 

‘’Clarke, I did tell you to do whatever you wanted, but I have boundaries too. Clearly the two of you still have feelings for each other which hurts me more than you think, but if I would be Octavia or Raven right now, I would tell you to stay away from him as well. I don’t want him to hurt you again.’’ I tried not to let my voice break.

 

‘’What do you mean? He said that I broke up with him for no reason.’’ 

 

‘’No reason?’’ I raised my voice again. ‘’Clarke, he cheated on you. Several times.’’

 

Clarke looked at me.

 

‘’He… did?’’ 

 

I nodded. ‘’Yeah. You were devastated. I met you when you just broke up with him and I had to pick up all your broken pieces and put them together. It was no fun seeing you like that.’’

 

Clarke let out a respirational sigh. ‘’Maybe he has changed?’’ 

 

I scoffed. ‘’Alright Clarke, I tried my best but eventually it’s your decision, what can I say.’’ 

 

After a silence couple of minutes we arrived home and we both sat down on the sofa, in front of each other. 

 

‘’I know you love him.’’ I finally said after a while. 

 

Clarke looked up at me. ‘’Why do you think that?’’

 

‘’Because I’ve seen the way you look at him. You used to look at me like that.’’ I really had some tears in my eyes now but I don’t think Clarke noticed. Finding out your soulmate didn’t love you anymore was probably the hardest thing that had happened to me, and I had been through a lot of shit.

 

Clarke put her hands on her head and groaned.

 

I wiped my tears away. I never thought I would have to make my Clarke fall in love with me again. But here I was, trying my best and failing. I felt heartbroken but still, I wanted to be with her. I wanted her to stay. I still had hope that maybe, someday I would be able to make her love me again. 

 

After a while she spoke and started sobbing.

 

‘’I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anybody.’’ She said through her tears. 

 

I couldn’t help but cry too. I hated it. I never cried. Clarke has only seen me cry once before but lately I was just a big mess. I stood up and sat down next to her on the sofa as I took her in my arms. She held me tight as we were both crying.

 

I felt her calm down a little bit and I let go off her. I wiped her desperate tears away as I spoke to her.

 

‘’As much as I want us to be a thing again, I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. But I hope you understand I can’t let you stay if you start something with Finn. That hurts too much.’’

 

Clarke nodded.

 

‘’I do understand.’’ She took a deep breath. ‘’I never meant to hurt you. I know myself and I know there would be a good reason for me falling in love with you years ago, but right now I can’t give that to you. All I need is some time to figure things out. But I actually like it around here, around you.’’

 

I smiled a little. ‘’I know.’’ I sighed. ‘’You can stay, of course. Let’s just start out as friends.’’ I felt crazy proposing this to her but she was right. She did need some time and that meant I had to step up my game to impress her.

 

Clarke nodded with a broken smile on her face. ‘’I would like that very much.’’

 

I stretched out my hand to give her a handshake but instead she refused and embraced me.

 

I hugged her back and god it felt good. Having her in my arms already made me feel the same butterflies I always had with her. Shit, I really had to step up my game. 

 

After a long hug she broke the contact and smiled at me.

 

Then she stood up and came back with a book in her hands. It was the photo album from before.

 

I started smiling a little bit.

 

‘’Now, tell me some fun memories. I already feel crappy enough.’’ She said. 

 

I nodded as Clarke gave me the photo album, sitting right next to me.

 

I opened the album and the first picture was Clarke when she was four years old, taking a bath. She was smiling wide and I couldn’t help but laugh.

 

‘’It’s been such a long time since I went through these photos. Look at how cute you were.’’

 

Clarke laughed too now.

 

‘’Hey, I still am.’’ She said jokingly.

 

I smiled. ‘’Yeah, true.’’

 

‘’I couldn’t find a baby photo or something of yours. I’ve searched the whole album but nothing.’’

 

‘’I know, I don’t have any. After my parents died I lost most of my stuff.’’

 

‘’Right… I’m sorry, I should’ve known.’’

 

‘’Don’t be, you couldn’t.’’ It felt nice talking to her normally again and I tried to forget about tomorrow and just live in the now.

 

The next picture was a little more recent. It was the picture Clarke took of us the night we had met at the lake.

 

‘’What? Was this our first picture?’’ Clarke asked surprised. 

 

‘’Yes, it was a few hours I guess after me had met.’’

 

‘’Okay I have to hear this. How did we meet?’’

 

I told her the whole story, trying without rambling and she just laughed. 

 

‘’So because of your sister we met each other.’’ Clarke said.

 

‘’Yeah well, kind of.’’ I smiled.

 

‘’And then I calmed you down you said?’’

 

‘’Um… Yeah…’’ I laughed nervously. ‘’I was wild.’’

 

Clarke looked at me, ready to hear everything.

 

‘’Alright well, you know. After I had no parents anymore and so no one to really tell me what to do or what not to do I skipped school almost every day when I was like fifteen/ sixteen and I went partying a lot together with Anya. We would always hook up with people and smoke weed and drink too much alcohol. And this happened like almost every day. It was getting out of hand. I couldn’t go to college because I dropped out of school when I was sixteen. I got a tattoo on a party we once went to. And then another one when I was drunk. The next day I woke up with a huge tattoo on my back.’’ 

 

‘’Wow I would’ve never guessed you were like that. Can I see your tattoo though? I love tattoos.’’

 

I smiled. ‘’I know you do.’’ I turned around and pulled my shirt up a bit. Then I felt a cold finger run over my tattoo on my back. 

 

‘’I love it! I wish I had a tattoo.’’ 

 

‘’Clarke?’’

 

‘’Hm?’’

 

‘’I’m guessing you didn’t see your tattoo?’’

 

Clarke widened her eyes. ‘’I beg your pardon?’’ 

 

‘’You have a tattoo on your left shoulder blade.’’

 

Clarke widened her eyes even further. ‘’I do? Oh my god, my mom’s gonna kill me.’’

 

I burst out in laughter.

 

‘’You’ll be fine.’’

 

I tried rolling up my sleeve but it was too tight on my arm to go further up.

 

‘’I’ll show you my other tattoo another time then.’’

 

Clarke nodded.

 

‘’Hey Lexa? Who’s that girl on the picture and why is she kissing your cheek?’’ She was pointing at the photo album again.

 

I looked at it and had no idea why I still had this picture.

 

‘’Oh wow, I didn’t even know I had this one.’’ 

 

I looked at it once again and then saw Clarke frowning.

 

‘’This was my girlfriend before I met you, Costia.’’

 

‘’And you put it in here because you thought the Clarke before the coma would like to see you kiss another girl’s cheek?’’ 

 

I smirked a bit.

 

‘’Costia died in a car accident, too.’’ I answered her.

 

Clarke remained silent for a while.

 

‘’Oh my god, I’m so sorry.’’ She put her hand in front of her mouth.

 

‘’It’s okay, you didn’t know. But yeah, we were dating for like two years and I really thought she was the one. She really was just a bad influence on me but still, I loved her. She was my first love. Then she drove home one night when she had been drinking and crashed into another car. Both drivers didn’t make it. I was devastated.’’

 

I paused for a while.

 

‘’After you and I crashed in the car that night, I was so scared of losing you. I couldn’t be a coincidence. First my parents died in a car accident, then Costia, and I thought you were next. I was just so scared.’’

 

Clarke looked at me with her sad eyes again and laid her hand on mine. ‘’I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone. You weren’t kidding when you said you’ve had a tough time since your childhood.’’

 

I shrugged and smirked a bit before looking at the pictures again.

 

‘’Oh look, it’s us in Italy.’’ I said happily.

 

Clarke gasped. ‘’We went to Italy?’’ Her jaw dropped.

 

‘’Yes, to Rome. It was my birthday gift for you from last year.’’

 

Clarke widened her eyes. ‘’That is so cool! For how long did we go?’’ 

 

I laughed. ‘’For about a week. It was one of the greatest weeks in my life actually.’’ 

 

Clarke looked jealous. ‘’I wish I could say the same. The old me probably would’ve agreed with you.’’ 

 

I smiled. ‘’You did, yeah.’’ It really was a great week. I had never been to such a romantic city before.

 

Clarke let out a deep sigh and then yawned.

 

‘’We should go to sleep, you must be really tired.’’

 

Clarke shook her head. ‘’No, just a few pictures more.’’

 

‘’You sure?’’ 

 

Clarke nodded heavily.

 

We then talked about a few photos more and just when we were almost at the end, we couldn’t keep our eyes open anymore and slowly fell asleep on each other, on the couch.

 

\----

 

I woke up by a loud boom nearby me. Then I heard some cussing. 

 

''Fuck. Shit shit shit. God.'' 

 

I slowly opened my eyes and saw Clarke sitting on the ground, her hand resting on her left foot. For a moment I forgot Clarke was here at all and we had both slept on the couch. I noticed I suddenly had a blanket over me.

 

Out of shock I immediately stood up and walked up to Clarke. 

 

''Clarke, are you okay? What happened?'' I kneeled beside her and looked at her foot. Clarke was only groaning. Then I noticed she was wearing way too short pajamas pants and her black tank top. I tried not to stare as Clarke answered me.

 

''I stubbed my pinky toe on this damn table.'' 

 

Okay I had to admit, this may be little bit funny and my face would show. It brought back some memories.

 

Clarke looked at me.

 

''You're laughing at me.''

 

''No! I would never. Here, let me get you some ice.''

 

I stood up and went to get her some ice from the freezer. 

 

When I came back she was still groaning. 

 

''Clarke, maybe it's better if you lay down on the couch.''

 

''Um, no? I am in pain over here. I just want to lay down here and die little.''

 

I burst out in laughter. 

 

''You're laughing at me again.''

 

I was still laughing, yes. But not for that reason.

 

''Clarke, I'm sorry. It's just that- You stubbed your toe earlier on this table when we first moved in here and you broke your pinky toe. You said almost the same thing back then. It's like I'm having a deja vu or something.''

 

Clarke understood now and laughed a little and then went back to groaning.

 

''I did? Oh god wait. Do you think it's broken?''

 

Now I felt bad that I was laughing so I stopped and went back to serious. 

 

''I wouldn't know. If the pain continues we could go back to the hospital. For now, I would just lay down on the couch with this bag of ice on your toe. Your toe does look normal to me for now. But hey, I thought you were the doctor in here.'' I joked.

 

Clarke shook her head. ''Nope, I'm just an artist who gets paid with other things than money. Can you please maybe help me up then?'' She said raising an eyebrow.

 

I laughed again.

 

''I never said that.'' I kneeled down next to her. ''Just put your arms around my neck, I'll carry you to the couch since it's a little too far away if you can't walk.''

 

Clarke hesitated but then carefully and a little awkwardly put her arms around me. 

 

''No way you can carry-''

 

I interrupted Clarke by grabbing her back with one arm and her legs with my other arm as I stood up easily with her in my arms. 

 

Clarke gasped and held on tight to me out of reflex. I dragged her to the couch and carefully put her down. Our foreheads accidentally touched when I laid her down on the couch.

 

''Ouch. You really want me back in the hospital don't you?'' She joked.

 

I let go off her and laughed a little.

 

''Trust me, I don't.''

 

Clarke smiled a little sadly and that's when I stood up to get the ice of bag to place it on her toe. I sat down next to her and held the bag steady on her toe. Clarke groaned again when the bag touched her foot but then relaxed a little.

 

I noticed from the corner of my eye she was staring at me.

 

''Can I ask you something?'' Clarke then said.

 

I smirked at her. ''Sure.''

 

''What have you been doing the last two months? You know, when I wasn't here.''

 

Suddenly I felt a little embarrassed.

 

''Um, you know. Trying to work a bit through all the craziness. Seeing our friends in the meantime. Doing the laundry, clean the house. Going to Starbucks. Waiting for you to wake up.'' 

 

Clarke gave me a sad little smirk. The one she always gave me when she felt sorry for me. So that hasn't changed.

 

''What, you visited me like every day?''

 

I nodded. ''Yep.'' I looked up at her and smiled.

 

Clarke smiled back.

 

''I'm sorry, I totally forgot to ask you if you slept well. Did you put the blanket over me?'' I obviously tried changing the subject.

 

Clarke laughed. ''Weirdly enough, I did. And I also put the blanket around you. Figured you might have been cold.''

 

I laughed. ‘’Thanks. Appreciate that. I can’t believe we fell asleep on the couch.’’

 

Clarke just laughed and agreed and then there was a comfortable silence between us.

 

I switched the ice bag on its other side which Clarke let out a sigh to.

 

''You do have some abs in there.'' She said pointing at my arms. 

 

I laughed. ''Not really. I just go to the gym sometimes.'' I don't want to brag, because I really don't have abs or anything, but Clarke did always tell me how much she loved for me going to the gym and feel my abs. That weren't really there anyway.

 

Clarke smirked.

 

‘’What time is it?’’ I asked.

 

Clarke looked on her phone. It’s 11 o’clock. 

 

‘’Woah, I really overslept today.’’

 

‘’Maybe you just needed it.’’ Clarke shrugged.

 

Maybe she was right.

 

‘’I’ll go make us some coffee with eggs and bacon.’’ 

 

We both remained silent for a while until I realized what I had just said.

 

‘’Without… bacon…’’ I added.

 

Clarke bursted out of laughter.

 

‘’You know what? Just make some bacon for me too. If you say I loved it, I don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t right now.’’

 

‘’You sure?’’ 

 

‘’Yes. Quick, before I change my mind.’’

 

I smiled and did as I was told.

 

\---- 

 

Well, that was not a big success letting Clarke taste bacon. I mean, she loved it, don’t get me wrong, but she ate my bacon as well and now I have to get more for tomorrow. Not that I minded. It was just like it used to be before the accident.

 

We watched TV and then Clarke took a really long nap on the couch. 

 

Octavia, Anya and Raven were coming over to see me tonight since I was all by myself anyway, so that made me feel a little better.

 

‘’Lex, I think my poor pinky toe is bruised.’’ Clarke said after a while.

 

‘’Really?’’ I went to take a look at it. I didn’t see any difference with her other toes.

 

‘’It still hurts after like five hours?’’ 

 

Clarke nodded.

 

‘’Maybe we should go to the hospital.’’ I said.

 

‘’No, no, I’ll have dinner in like half an hour. Finn is coming to pick me up now. I can’t go to the hospital right now.’’

 

I raised an eyebrow and Clarke noticed.

 

‘’Yes, I know you don’t see the problem here. If it continues to hurt, I’ll come back earlier, I promise.’’

 

I nodded. I couldn’t say I wasn’t disappointed. I was trying to be a friend to her but I had a really hard time letting Clarke go have diner with Finn. Especially with the dress she was wearing. It was the same red dress she wore on our first date. I didn’t tell her, but I couldn’t say I was totally okay with it. I mean, she looked breathtakingly beautiful. Who wouldn’t fall for her?

 

‘’Hey Lex?’’

 

‘’Hm?’’

 

‘’Would it be- Never mind. It would be a stupid idea.’’

 

‘’No wait, tell me. Come on.’’ I begged.

 

‘’I was just wondering. Maybe we could have diner at my mom’s someday.’’

 

I widened my eyes without showing any emotion. Was she serious about this?

 

‘’I mean, I really like you and I wouldn’t know why my mom wouldn’t like you. Have you guys ever tried to connect with each other?’’ 

 

I shook my head aggressively. ‘’Absolutely not.’’

 

‘’See, you could try. I’m sure she would like you.’’

 

I shook my head once again. ‘’It’s not that simple.’’

 

Before Clarke was ready to ask me something, the doorbell rang.

 

She turned to me and started acting a little awkward. ‘’Well, I guess I’ll see you later.’’ She smiled shyly.

 

I nodded. 

 

Clarke walked to the door but before she opened it, I stopped her.

 

‘’Clarke?’’

 

‘’Yes?’’ 

 

I paused for a little while and took a moment to look at her from head to her bruised toe.

 

‘’You look beautiful.’’ 

 

Clarke smiled wide and nodded once. 

 

‘’Thanks.’’

 

I saw her opening the door and greet Finn. Then she closed the door behind her and waved at me one last time. Now it was just a matter of time till the girls came to visit me and for Clarke to come back.


	3. Chapter 3

After more than two hours that Clarke left with Finn, Octavia, Anya and Raven came to visit me. It had been a while since we all got together. 

‘’I can’t believe she went out with Finn. After what he did to her.’’ Raven said. 

‘’She doesn’t remember what he did to her and the pain he’s caused her.’’ Octavia answered.

Anya put up a disgusting look on her face. ‘’So, she only remembers she has feelings for him, right?’’

I only nodded.

‘’And here we thought she needed some space and a lot of rest so that’s why we didn’t visit her earlier. But no, she just goes partying at her mom’s which is totally weird and then going out with Finn which is even weirder. I can’t believe we’re talking about the same Clarke here.’’ Raven sounded angry.

Obviously, I knew exactly how Raven felt at the moment. I too was trying to support Clarke in every way, but she just made it very difficult for me. 

‘’How are you holding up, Lexa?’’ Octavia asked. 

I shrugged one shoulder. ‘’It’s been hard for both Clarke and me.’’ I paused for a moment. ‘’I just want us to be us again. Like before the accident.’’

‘’I can’t believe you didn’t fucking stop her, Lex.’’ Raven blurted out once again.

‘’Come on, Raven. What was Lexa supposed to do?’’ Octavia defended me. I didn’t really need anyone to defend me. I knew it was kind of my fault that Clarke was eating dinner with Finn at the moment. 

‘’She’s right, O. But I can’t force her to fall in love with me.’’

‘’Um, yes you can? You forced her once, you can do it again.’’ Raved said.

The three of us bursted out into laughter. 

‘’Asshole. I did not force her. She just couldn’t resist my charms and good manners.’’ I said prideful. 

Raven snorted. ‘’Sure, she also couldn’t resist your pretty face and your long fingers.’’ 

I rolled my eyes and tried to hold back my laughter. ‘’Jesus, Reyes.’’ I shook my head and took a sip from my beer. 

‘’At least we won’t hear Clarke now telling everything you two did. And by everything I mean fucking everything. She wouldn’t shut up about you the moment we all met at the lake that night.’’ Raven continued.

‘’Raven!’’ Octavia widened her eyes. 

‘’What? Don’t tell me it didn’t annoy you.’’ Raven joked.

‘’I wish I could say the same, but Lex still doesn’t shut up about Clarke.’’ Anya joked.

I rolled my eyes again and let out a little laugh. Did Clarke really talk about me that much? I smiled at the thought.

Then I went back to serious again and cleared my throat before I spoke.

‘’But seriously guys, what if she never gets her memory back? What if I can’t make her fall for me again? What if all those years turned into only memories?’’

They all looked at me with sad eyes, not knowing what to say.

I shrugged my shoulders. ‘’Maybe I deserve this. I caused the accident.’’

‘’Oh my god don’t. You did not cause the accident. Where is my tough badass Lexa from years ago? Come on, sis. Clarke has really made you a softy. Unless you’re around other people. I know how ruthless you can be.’’ Anya said. 

I smiled sadly and avoided her hypothetical question. ‘’I just need to step up my game and make her feel something for me again. I just don’t know how.’’ 

‘’We’ll help!’’ Octavia raised both of her hands enthusiastically. 

Raven and Anya nodded in agreement.

‘’I don’t know how you could help.’’ I said with a scratchy voice and kept staring at my beer.

‘’Well, first of all we need to get rid of the biggest problem. Finn.’’ Raven said.

Octavia and Anya mouthed ‘yes’ and sat up straighter which meant they were probably coming up with the greatest plan ever. Not.

‘’I could let him stumble ‘by accident’ in the middle of the street and then push him in front of a car ‘by accident’.’’ Anya said.

Raven and Octavia snorted and nodded heavily in agreement. 

I rolled my eyes. Great. What supporting and resourceful friends I had. 

‘’As much as I would like to see how well you would do in jail, that’s not happening.’’ I said.

‘’Alright well, do you have a better idea?’’ Anya said.

It stayed silent for a while.

Raven was the one who broke the silence with a sharply inhale. ‘’What if we invite Finn and Clarke to go out for diner or something but then when Clarke shows up, Lexa’s there instead of Finn.’’

I snorted this time. ‘’You guys, our goal is to not make her disappointed.’’ 

‘’What about a double date?’’ Octavia said. ‘’Finn, his girlfriend, Clarke and you.’’

‘’And then what? Clarke going home with Finn at the end of the night and me and Finn’s girlfriend comforting each other? No thanks.’’ I took another sip of my beer. 

‘’You know what you should do? You should repeat your first date again. Take her out, do whatever you did on your first date and maybe it will refresh her memory or she’ll see that you’re way better than Finn and fall for you.’’ Raven said very seriously.

‘’Reyes, that’s probably the most useful thing you’ve said in a very long time.’’ Anya said.

‘’You surprise me every time.’’ Octavia said and then turned to me. ‘’Lexa, maybe if you go back to the lake with her she´ll remember something. You´ve met her there, shared your first kiss there, proposed to her there. There must´ve been a reason why she said yes when you went down on one knee.’’

‘’It’s the fingers.’’ Raven whispered.

I punched Raven lightly this time and then remembered Clarke didn´t even know that we were engaged.

‘’It could work I guess, but I don´t want to be too hopeful. Maybe she doesn’t even want to have dinner with me. I haven´t told her we´re engaged either.’’

The three of them frowned and Raven even looked angry at me.

‘’You are unbelievable, Woods. Why didn’t you tell her?’’ Raven said.

‘’I didn’t want to scare her away. It’s a big step, getting engaged. She was already confused enough back at the hospital.’’

‘’Oh my go-‘’ Anya began, but got interrupted by the front door that was about to open.

We saw Clarke then enter the room, standing still when she saw all of us sitting on the sofa. She looked absolutely stunning in her red dress. Did I already mention that?

‘’Hey guys. How are you?’’ Clarke asked.

‘’We’re fine.’’ They all answered simultaneously and were all happy to see her. 

‘’How are you?’’ Octavia asked while they all got up to greet her with a hug.

I just watched everyone standing up and hugging her.

‘’I’m fine.’’ 

They all smiled but we all could feel the tension that was filling the room.

‘’So… how was your night?’’ Raven then asked. 

Raven was always looking for drama. I hated it. Octavia did too and I saw her punching Raven’s elbow almost unnoticeable.

I saw Clarke peeking at me before looking back at Raven and answering her.

‘’Um, it was alright I guess.’’

It stayed silent for a while.

‘’That’s it? It was alright? Because if you would go out with Lexa she would give you the night of your live.’’ Raven added.

At this moment I stood up immediately and intervened before it would get any worse.

‘’Okay Reyes, that’s enough wine for you today.’’ I walked towards Clarke.

‘’I didn’t even-‘’ Raven began.

‘’Yeah, for me as well! We should go guys.’’ Octavia interrupted Raven. Octavia then hugged me and whispered in my ear. ‘’Ask her out before Raven does it for you.’’ And then she pulled away.

‘’We’ll talk to you tomorrow.’’ Octavia said. ‘’How about we hang some other time, Clarke?’’ 

Clarke nodded and smiled, but it wasn’t really genuinely. ‘’I would like that.’’

Octavia smiled.

Next thing Anya and Raven followed Octavia out to the door. Not by choice. Octavia was dragging the other two with her.

When they closed the door behind them, the room suddenly felt extremely full and empty at the same time. It was the silence that filled the room again.

Then Clarke looked a little embarrassing at me and I didn’t really know what to say.

‘’How was your evening?’’ Clarke then asked, taking off her shoes.

‘Fine. It was nice to see them again and catch up.’’ 

Clarke sat down on the sofa and so did I. She only nodded.

‘’So, how was your night? You’re back earlier than I thought.’’ 

Clarke looked sad and disappointed. She didn’t say anything for a while.

‘’Lexa, do you think it was wrong for me to have gone out with him even though he has a girlfriend?’’

I wasn’t prepared for this question at all so I tried explaining it from my perspective.

‘’Well,’’ I began. ‘’I don’t really think it’s fair to Finn’s girlfriend. I mean, there are obviously feelings involved between Finn and you.’’ I paused for a second and looked into Clarke’s sad eyes. ‘’I don’t think anyone deserves to be cheated on.’’

Clarke’s eyes widened. ‘’Oh my god what have I done.’’ She placed her hands on her eyes.

I felt nervous at once. What was she talking about?

‘’What have you done?’’ I asked.

Clarke started sniffling. 

‘’Clarke?’’ I was starting to panic right now.

‘’Lexa, I’m sorry.’’ Clarke said as she continued sniffling.

‘’Clarke??’’ 

‘’We kissed.’’ Clarke shed a tear. 

I closed my eyes and tried to erase the memory my head was making up of the two of them kissing. I didn’t really know what I expected from their dinner, but I surely hoped they wouldn’t have done that.

Clarke continued. ‘’I guess I was in for it at first, but then it didn’t feel right when he kissed me, so I pulled back.’’ Clarke sniffled once again. ‘’He wasn’t pleased with me pulling back and then continued kissing me everywhere. He- He wanted more than that I think. I tried to push him away but he held me really tight. He really hurt me.’’ Clarke looked at her arm through her tears where he probably hurt her. 

That son of a bitch. 

‘’I’m going to kill him.’’ Was the only thing I said. Suddenly Anya’s idea from earlier this evening didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

Clarke shook her head. ‘’He let me go. A few people walked and so he stopped.’’

‘’I’m going to kill that fucking dickhead.’’ I said again, clenching my fists. I was more than furious. 

Clarke looked at me through her tears and laid her hand on my knee. Don’t ask why, but that really calmed me down a little bit. 

‘’Don’t worry, I won’t see him again for now.’’ Clarke paused for a moment. ‘’I was just too scared to get into the car with him again so I walked all the way home.’’

My eyes widened like never before.

‘’Clarke, are you crazy?’’ I couldn’t help but yell. ‘’Did you know how to walk? Why didn’t you call me? You shouldn’t walk alone everywhere just like that at night. Do you realize what could’ve happened to you? You probably walked for an hour with your bruised toe!’’

Clarke looked down to her feet. ‘’I didn’t want to bother you while you were here with your friends. Our friends.’’ She corrected herself.

I let out a deep sigh. ‘’Don’t you get it at all? I would be the first one to come and get you no matter where you would be or what time it would be.’’ I could see it made Clarke even more upset than she already was. 

I tried to calm down a bit.

‘’I’m sorry. Are you okay?’’ I asked a while later in my softest tone and then held her hand that was still resting on my knee, circling the back with my thumb.

Clarke shook her head. ‘’I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. He’s an asshole. I can’t believe I didn’t notice yesterday. I noticed he was touching me too often, but I was too stupid to tell him to stop.’’ 

Clarke sniffled again. 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ I told her and all I really wanted is to embrace her and make the pain go away. 

I stroke her hair behind her ear instead. ‘’I’m sorry, Clarke. That I wasn’t there to protect you.’’ 

Clarke looked up at me and gave me a broken smile. ‘’Why are you still so nice to me? I have been terrible to you and so selfish all the time.’’

I smiled a little too and remained silent, not knowing what to say to make her feel better.

After a while Clarke calmed down again. 

‘’I’m sorry, I never cry so much.’’

I frowned. ‘’I’m sorry to bring you the news but, yes you do. But that’s okay. Sometimes you cry 24/7 and I don’t see you for a whole day.’’ I laughed a bit at my own joke, trying to enlighten the mood a little.

She sniffled and laughed a little bit too. ‘’Sounds heavy.’’ 

I nodded and smiled a bit. ‘’Hey, can I get you anything?’’

Clarke smiled genuinely at me. ‘’No thanks, I think I’m going to sleep. I want to forget about tonight as soon as I can.’’

I nodded in agreement.

Clarke stood up and turned to me.

‘’Thanks for listening.’’ She smiled again, a little less sad this time. 

‘’Goodnight, Lexa.’’

I smiled. ‘’Goodnight, Clarke.’’

Clarke smiled back and walked to the bedroom.

Just like earlier tonight I stopped her.

‘’Clarke?’’

‘’Yeah?’’ Clarke turned around.

‘’You still look beautiful.’’ 

\---- 

A few days had passed and I decided to give Clarke some space. I was working most of the time anyway and she was busy with other stuff like finding out what her last memory was by sorting out every picture she had of herself from the last couple of years. She went to her mom’s house now and then and she once had grabbed dinner with Octavia, Raven and me but apart from that, she didn’t leave the apartment. 

We also hadn’t talked about her date with Finn after that night, but I told Clarke she could come to me if she needed to talk or anything. After a week, she hadn’t come to talk to me once, even though I noticed she was feeling down about the whole thing. 

Yesterday Clarke and I went back to the hospital and they saw no progress on the memory thing. Clarke’s bruises were almost gone but the little scar she had on her forehead wouldn’t go away. Clarke cared much more than I did about the scar. It was so small it was almost unnoticeable, but Clarke would disagree with me on that. When we got home that afternoon I proposed to go to Clarke’s studio. She was more excited than I thought and so I drove us to her studio that was about ten minutes away from our apartment. 

‘’Sometimes I had to come and get you in the middle of the night because you were so busy working on your pieces that you just forgot about the time.’’ I said which made Clarke laugh.

I thought about one of the times I came to get her because she wasn’t answering her phone in the middle of the night. When I got here, in the studio, I saw her struggling with this piece of art and I just stood behind her for a while, thinking about how incredibly adorable she was. That night we ended up making love on the floor right here, surrounded with pieces of art around us while the most beautiful piece of art in the room was kissing me everywhere. 

‘’Lexa? Hello?’’ 

Clarke was waving with her hands at me.

‘’Why are you smiling?’’

‘’Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about- Oh look! It’s your favorite painting.’’ I tried to rescue myself by pointing at one of the paintings in the middle of the room.

Clarke looked at it and put on a confused look. ‘’What is it?’’

‘’It’s abstract.’’

Clarke bursted out in laughter.

‘’I can see that. But what is it?’’

I remained silent for a while.

‘’You don’t know, do you?’’ Clarke asked raising an eyebrow.

‘’Oh, look at this incredible self-portrait over here.’’ I tried again and that made Clarke laugh again.

‘’Alright, I’m just going to pretend we both know what I painted there.’’ She took a moment to look at her self-portrait. ‘’That’s really cool. I can’t believe I made all of this.’’

I nodded. ‘’Yeah, you’re really talented.’’

Clarke smiled proudly and looked around further and then saw a few portraits of me. 

I was looking at them too.

‘’Woah, okay, I didn’t know you had painted me a few times.’’ I admitted.

Clarke looked me in the eyes and laughed. ‘’Me neither.’’ 

I pursed my lips together, trying not to laugh.

Then my eye caught a really big painting that was covered with a cloth. I walked towards it and Clarke followed me.

‘’That’s huge.’’ Clarke said.

‘’Yes. I remember I wasn’t allowed to see this until it was finished.’’

Clarke squeezed her eyes and thought for a moment.

‘’Then I won’t let you see it, yet.’’

I laughed. ‘’You don’t even know how to finish that.’’

‘’Maybe someday I will.’’ Clarke grinned widely and walked away.

‘’Are you hungry? I’m hungry.’’ Clarke said a little nervously. 

‘’Sure. You want to go back again?’’

Clarke nodded and we left.

\---- 

After we had lunch, we laid down on the sofa.

I saw Clarke looking at her phone and then putting it away, sighing deeply.

‘’Everything okay?’’ I asked.

Clarke nodded carefully. ‘’It’s just that Finn keeps calling me on my phone all week long. It’s annoying.’’

I felt my fists clenched together again and tried not to think about Finn.

‘’Just block his number on your phone then.’’ I said as calm as possible.

Clarke nodded. ‘’I could do that I guess. I just thought he was different, you know?’’

She paused for a second.

‘’I’m sorry, it’s not fair to talk to you about this.’’

I grinned. ‘’Whatever makes you feel better. If you want to talk about it, talk.’’

Clarke smiled thankfully. ‘’Thanks, but I’m good.’’

‘’Also, my mom just texted. She wants to make dinner for me at her house tonight. Are you coming with me?’’ She said after a while.

Oh god, there we go.

‘’Do I have to?’’ 

‘’No, but I would kind of like it if you came with me.’’ She looked into my eyes.

I stared back into her blue eyes. Who could say ‘no’ to eyes like that.

‘’I curse those beautiful eyes of yours.’’ I sighed. ‘’Fine, I’ll go with you.’’

Clarke laughed and sat up straight to hug me.

‘’Yay! Thank you.’’

I hugged her back and enjoyed the way her hair was stroking my cheek and smelled the scent of her hair.

After a few hours I drove to her mom’s house. Clarke was a little bit nervous but I? I thought I could vomit every second. That’s how nervous I was. What if her mom said anything that Clarke wasn’t supposed to know? What if she started drama all over again and hurt Clarke?

I shook my thoughts away and parked the car when we arrived. When her mom opened the front door, she hugged Clarke immediately. They both seemed happy to see each other. Then Abby turned to me. 

‘’Hello, Lexa.’’

‘’Abby.’’ 

Clarke pursed her lips together as we entered.

There was Marcus, ready to eat. Clarke sat down next to him and I sat down in front of Clarke.

‘’I made your favorite pasta, Clarke. Without ham for you of course.’’

‘’Oh thanks mom, but I’m not really a vegetarian anymore. I now eat meat sometimes.’’ 

Abby switched looks from Clarke to me. ‘’Did Lexa force you because she does like meat?’’

Here we go.

‘’No! Mom, stop.’’ Clarke mumbled.

‘’Can we please just have a nice dinner?’’ I said. ‘’I want no drama.’’ 

‘’Yes, great idea.’’ Clarke got my back.

We started eating in silence before Abby broke it.

‘’Marcus and I have something to tell you.’’ She exchanged looks with him and smiled. ‘’We’re getting married next month.’’

Clarke and I were in shock and then Clarke went up to her mom to hug her. ‘’That’s so great, congratulations!’’ She then hugged Marcus as well. ‘’Why so soon?’’

‘’We have been engaged for eight months now. We didn’t tell you yet, because we wouldn’t know how this would play out.’’

Clarke nodded. ‘’Well, I’m happy for you guys.’’ 

‘’Yeah, me too. Congratulations to the both of you.’’ I shook their hands.

Then Clarke and her mom talked about the wedding a bit more and after a while remained silent until Abby broke it again.

‘’Did you talk to Finn yet?’’ 

Clarke looked a little scared from my eyes to her mom’s and shook her head. This woman did not care about me or what I said at all.

‘’I don’t want to see him again.’’ Clarke said and continued eating.

Her mom was shocked and looked deeply into my eyes.

‘’Wasn’t my idea, Abby. Don’t look at me like that.’’ I said.

Clarke let out an annoyed sigh. ‘’It wasn’t, mom. He just wasn’t exactly nice to me. That’s all I want to say about Finn. Let’s talk about something else.’’

Her mom did not accept her answer and slammed on the table with her fist.

Clarke jumped and so did I. 

‘’You don’t think I’m okay with that, do you? And now what? You’re going to date Lexa? Another woman?’’

‘’Mom…’’

‘’You really disappoint me again. I thought you were different now.’’ 

Clarke frowned. ‘’If you want Finn to be in your life so much then marry him yourself.’’ She blurted out.

I was shocked but tried to hold in my laugh. Way to go Clarke.

‘’I can’t go through this again, Clarke. Not your childish phase again.’’ Her mom said.

‘’What childish phase?’’ Clarke was more confused than ever.

‘’You liking both men and women. You don’t need to seek for a man’s attention by kissing a woman.’’

‘’Excuse me?’’ I could not hold myself in anymore.

‘’Are you hearing yourself? How stupid you sound? You really think Clarke and I have been together for five years so she could hook up with a guy? Because a guy would be better for her? No, you know what? We have been through this many times before and I know it’s useless to talk about this with you.’’ I added.

‘’You wouldn’t know what that’s like since you’re only into women.’’ 

‘’And that’s bad because…?’’

‘’Everyone stop!’’ Clarke yelled. ‘’Just stop. You’re fighting unnecessary and it gives me a headache. I don’t care about anyone’s sexuality in here. I just like hanging out with people who are nice to me. Lexa is nice to me. Finn isn’t. That’s all there is.’’

Abby and I remained silent and then we then continued eating. I was pretty proud of Clarke for standing up for herself like that. She hadn’t really done that before when her mom said something like that to her.

‘’I don’t want to fight with you, mom. Don’t make me walk from you away again.’’

Abby only continued eating.

It could not get any more awkward than this.

After we finished our dessert in extremely uncomfortable silence, Abby said something again.

‘’Where are your parents Lexa?’’ 

I was so done with this… evil… shitty… most dumb person ever. I was doing my best not to call her worse things.

Clarke inhaled to only exhale deeply and before she could say anything, I answered her.

‘’You know they died in a car accident years ago, Abby.’’

‘’Yes. How did Clarke get a form of amnesia, Lexa?’’

‘’Mom…’’ Clarke began.

I sighed. ‘’Because of a car accident.’’

Abby looked at me a little sadly. ‘’What if she would have died, too?’’

I looked into Clarke’s eyes.

‘’I’d rather not think about that.’’

Clarke stared back at me with her sad eyes and sad grin.

‘’What would you have done, Lexa?’’ 

I had no idea what she wanted to accomplish with this but I just answered her.

‘’Well, I think I would have cried all day every day of my life.’’ I paused, looking at my empty plate. ‘’And I would’ve never forgive myself. Ever. I would have no reason to wake up in the morning anymore.’’

Abby sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘’I mean, would you have called me? To let me know?’’

‘’Oh.’’

I felt a little embarrassed at my answer and saw Clarke smiling a little at me.

‘’I don’t really know. I think so, yeah. You’re still her mom.’’ 

‘’Good.’’

‘’I wasn’t the reason for Clarke breaking the contact between the two of you.’’ I know that was what she was trying to tell me.

Abby took a sip of her drink and remained silent.

Clarke just looked at me with compassion. 

‘’So, who wants more wine?’’ I proposed and tried to shrug off the awkward moment again.

After one more wine, I stopped drinking, because I still had to drive home. Clarke hugged her mom and stepdad goodbye. Then Abby and Marcus shook my hand. ‘’Just because you said exactly what I wanted to hear back there doesn’t mean I like you now.’’ Abby whispered. Typical Abby.

‘’Idem ditto.’’ I said.

Clarke and I walked to the car and I drove home in silence.

When we arrived Clarke laid down on the sofa again. 

‘’I’m in love with our sofa.’’

‘’Good, you picked it out.’’ I said, laying down too.

Clarke smiled proudly. ‘’I do have a good taste.’’

I nodded.

After a comfortable silence, Clarke was the one who started talking.

‘’Thank you for coming with me today. Even though it was awkward and horrible.’’

‘’No problem. But please don’t tell me we got to do this every day from now on.’’

Clarke started laughing. ‘’Don’t worry.’’ I laughed a bit too.

‘’I’m sorry about what my mom said about you. About you liking girls and about your parents. She was being rude.’’

I looked at Clarke, who was looking down at the floor. ‘’It’s alright. It used to hurt me back in the day but not anymore. I was proud of you by the way for standing up for yourself.’’

Clarke smiled. ‘’Thanks. I won’t let anyone talk about you or me like that. I’m assuming my mom has never liked you because you’re into girls? And one of the girls was her own daughter.’’

I nodded and sighed. ‘’Yeah, now you know.’’ 

‘’But that isn’t even a good reason for not liking someone.’’ Clarke said.

I laughed. ‘’No, it’s not.’’

‘’That’s also why I broke the contact, right?’’

I nodded carefully.

‘’I actually don’t want to break the contact for now, even though she’s been terrible to us tonight. But, I’m not sure I can. Maybe is she doesn’t change, one day I will. Again.’’

‘’I’m not asking you to.’’ I said, laughing a bit. ‘’Your mom and I were actually making a point earlier tonight. I wish I still had my parents to go to. I you have the opportunity to keep them or leave them, I would keep them. You’re gonna need them, you know?’’

Clarke only smirked and nodded.

Then a comfortable silence again filled the room again for a few minutes.

‘’Lexa?’’ Clarke began.

‘’Mm?’’ 

‘’I know I haven’t asked this earlier but, what was Raven talking about the other night before she was leaving?’’

I stared into Clarke’s eyes and shook my head.

‘’Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.’’ I could curse Raven at this moment.

Clarke looked a little disappointed. ‘’I wasn’t worried about it. She said something about me going out with you, right?’’

I stared at her, nodding carefully. ‘’But she didn’t mean it.’’

Disappointing eyes stared at me again. ‘’That’s too bad.’’

I stayed silent for a little while. ‘’Too bad she didn’t mean I wanted go out with you?’’ I asked to be sure, I didn’t want to misunderstand anything. 

Clarke nodded with a smile on her face. ‘’Yes. I would actually like that very much.’’

‘’Are you like- Are you sure?’’

Clarke laughed. ‘’You don’t want to?’’ Her smile disappeared.

‘’I thought you didn’t want to. Especially after what happened with you and Finn.’’

‘’I know you would never do something like that.’’

‘’You thought Finn would never do something like that.’’

Clarke stared into my eyes deeply now.

‘’Would you ever do something like that?’’

‘’No…’’

‘’Then what’s the problem?’’

‘’There’s no problem. I’m just a little surprised. In a good way.’’ I laughed awkwardly.

‘’Good. So…’’ 

‘’So… Would you want to go out with me then?’’

Clarke smiled again. ‘’I thought you’d never ask.’’ 

I smiled. ‘’Tomorrow?’’ 

‘’Tomorrow sounds good.’’

I smiled and Clarke laughed in return.

‘’Alright then, that’s a deal. I’m going to go to bed.’’ She stood up, not looking away from me. ‘’Goodnight, Lexa.’’ And then she disappeared into our bedroom, leaving me speechless.

Did that really just happen? Alright, no. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But this was good news, right? I smiled at my thoughts. I laid down on the sofa where Clarke had just laid down on. I could still smell the scent of her hair on the pillow which made me smile. I closed my eyes and with these thoughts I fell asleep. 

\---- 

The next day I woke up before Clarke did, which was a new thing. I had a client to go to in the morning. I forgot to tell Clarke about it so I left her a note on the dispenser. I had some breakfast and tried to make no noise at all. Then I realized I had to enter our room to grab my clothes, but Clarke was still asleep there. ‘’Shit.’’ I whispered to myself. 

I slowly walked to our bedroom door and opened it very carefully. When I entered the room, I found Clarke fully asleep and wrapped up in her blankets like a burrito facing me, the teddy bear that her dad bought her once lying next to her. I had to grab my clothes. Now. I just couldn’t help but admire her and look at how peaceful she looked in her sleep.

After a minute of standing there like a complete idiot admiring Clarke and realizing I was maybe being a little creepy, I walked to the closet and grabbed my stuff. Apparently I had made a little bit too much noise because Clarke turned around and groaned sleepily. 

‘’Lexa?’’ She said with her raspy morning voice. 

‘’Hey. Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you.’’ 

She groaned loudly. ‘’This is so bad.’’

I walked to Clarke and sat down on the bed, right next to her. She slowly opened her eyes and locked them into mine.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ I asked.

‘’I’m cold.’’ 

Really. She was wrapped up in like ten blankets already.

‘’Are you sick?’’ I asked.

‘’No…’’

I touched her forehead with my hand. 

‘’Clarke, you’re kind of hot. I mean your forehead’s kind of hot. Maybe you have got a fever.’’

‘’I actually feel terrible.’’ She admitted.

‘’I’m getting you a thermometer.’’

After a while I came back with the thermometer and indeed measured that Clarke had a fever. I rescheduled my appointment with my client for next week, because I couldn’t focus on my job while Clarke was here all by herself being sick.

I made Clarke some tea and grabbed a cracker, even though she told me she wasn’t hungry.

‘’Here’s your tea and a cracker.’’ I said while sitting down on the bed. She sat up straight with difficulty and then drank some tea from the cup.

‘’Thanks.’’ She said and put the cup of tea with cracker on the nightstand.

‘’You need something else?’’

Clarke shook her head.

‘’I just want to sleep all day.’’

‘’Well, what’s stopping you from doing it?’’

Clarke groaned and closed her eyes. ‘’My body temperature.’’

‘’Cold?’’

Clarke shook her head. ‘’Hot.’’

Clarke definitely had a fever.

‘’Sleep without the blankets then.’’ I decided to leave Clarke alone when I saw her nod. 

‘’Go get some sleep.’’ I whispered and walked away.

In the meantime I continued to work at home a bit until I heard Clarke call my name a few hours later. I immediately walked into our room and I found Clarke wrapped up in her blankets again, only her head visible. I sat next to her on the bed again.

‘’Are you okay?’’ I touched her forehead with my hand again.

‘’I’m cold.’’ She said, shivering.

I smirked a bit sadly, wishing I could take over the fever from her.

‘’I know. You want me to get you extra blankets?’’

Clarke shook her head.

‘’Well, you still don’t want anything to eat?’’

Clarke made a gagging noise on purpose. ‘’Don’t make me puke.’’

I started to wonder why Clarke called me then. 

‘’Lexa?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Could you keep me some company for a while? I can’t sleep.’’

I smiled. So that’s why she called me. Yes, I had some work to do, but I couldn’t say no to that raspy, cute voice, like she had just woken up.

‘’Sure.’’ I stood up to sit on a chair, right next to the bed.

Clarke made some protesting noises.

‘’No, come back. Could you lay next to me for a bit please?’’

It was probably the fever talking, I thought. But, I did as I was told. I climbed on the other side of the bed and laid down. I kept my distance from Clarke, almost falling out of bed, even though I wanted to be as close to her as possible, but wasn’t sure I was allowed to. 

Clarke was facing me, eyes half open and so was I. I put my hands under my pillow just so my head would lay a little bit more comfortable.

Clarke coughed silently and then almost aggressively threw her blankets away from her body. She spread her legs and arms on the bed and she almost hit me with her arm.

She groaned.

‘’It’s soooooooo hot.’’

She laid there for a while in silence. 

‘’Does my mom know?’’ She said after a while, still her eyes closed.

‘’That you’re sick? No. Would you like me to call her?’’

Clarke shook her head heavily. 

I wouldn’t mind informing her mom about this, but I was glad she told me not to do so. I did not want her here in my apartment, that would cause a lot of drama.

‘’I’m cold.’’ Clarke let out an annoying sigh.

She sat up straight a little bit and searched for her blankets that were all laying on the floor about a hundred miles away probably in her mind. She let herself fall into bed and faced me again. Clarke’s body temperature was changing so fast all the time. I could see why she couldn’t sleep. It annoyed her.

‘’Could you?’’

‘’Could I grab the blankets?’’ I asked.

‘’Could you come closer and pretend that you’re my blanket?’’

I could just grab the blankets from the floor, but I didn’t. For obvious reasons. 

I waited a second but then I moved closer to Clarke and she lifted herself up a bit so I could place my arm under her head. She moved in closer to me as well and buried her face in my neck. She tangled our legs together and placed her hand on my chest. I just put both arms around her and enjoyed having her so close to me. So close I could feel and hear her steady breathing, feel her shivering and feel her ice cold hand through my clothes on my chest. We used to fall asleep sometimes like this. I couldn’t help but place a little, gentle kiss on her head. I smiled. I would do anything to go back in time for just a while to when Clarke was always so affectionate towards me. 

Clarke then let out a happy sigh.

‘’You’re warm.’’ She mumbled.

I smiled again.

‘’So are you.’’

I could feel Clarke was shaking her head against my neck.

‘’I’m cold.’’ She answered.

I felt Clarke move in even closer if that was even possible and I held her a little bit tighter.

Our dinner later this day obviously had to be rescheduled. To be honest, I didn’t really care. Right now with Clarke in my arms, where we were, was more than perfect to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLASHBACKS

I woke up only to find Clarke in my arms. The last four days I had been sleeping in the same bed as Clarke’s. She told me she slept better at night this way. And what can I say, I like to help.

 

I looked at Clarke who was still asleep. She was so close to me that we were almost touching foreheads. Clarke had her hands close to her chest, like she was cold or something. The last four days, waking up like this next to Clarke, had made me so happy. I won’t lie, I had missed this. The best part is that Clarke was feeling much better since yesterday, but had still let me sleep with her tonight. 

 

After a while, Clarke slowly opened her eyes and locked them into mine. 

 

‘’Morning.’’ Clarke said with a raspy voice. 

 

I smiled. ‘’Good morning.’’ I whispered. It wasn’t fair that she even looked this beautiful when just waking up. ‘’How are you feeling?’’

 

Clarke waited a bit before she answered.

 

‘’Better, I guess.’’ 

 

‘’You guess?’’

 

‘’Yeah, but I don’t know.’’

 

She was acting a little weird in my opinion. Then she moved in closer to me, her head buried in my neck.

 

‘’So, you don’t know if you feel better or-‘’ 

 

‘’Lexa?’’ She cut me off.

 

‘’Yeah?’’

 

She let out a deep sigh.

 

‘’I’m don’t really feel sick anymore.’’

 

‘’Well that’s good, right? Why are you making it sound like it’s a bad thing?’’

 

She sighed again and waited a second.

 

‘’Because.’’ 

 

Silence again.

 

‘’Would you still- Like- Can you still sleep with me at night even though I’m not sick anymore? I just- I like sleeping like this with you. I like the company.’’ She said a little shy.

 

I smiled widely and realized Clarke couldn’t see me. 

 

‘’Of course I would.’’

 

Clarke looked up at me. Now she could see me smile.

 

She smiled back and then nuzzled back into my neck.

 

‘’Cool’’ She said.

 

We laid a little longer like this until Clarke untangled herself from me and stood up to go to the bathroom. I immediately felt cold again when Clarke left me. After a while I stood up myself to grab something to drink from the dispenser in the kitchen. I found Clarke standing right there, looking at it.

 

‘’What are you doing?’’ I asked confused.

 

Clarke turned to me and she grabbed my note I left on the dispenser from a few days ago.

 

‘’Did you go to your client?’’ Clarke asked me.

 

‘’No. I rescheduled our appointment to next week.’’

 

Clarke had an enormous guilty look on her face.

 

‘’You should’ve gone.’’

 

I shook my head.

 

‘’You were terribly sick.’’

 

Clarke shook her head now.

 

‘’I would have been fine. I don’t want you to stay here because of me.’’

 

I smiled. She had no idea of all the things I would do for her.

 

\----

 

__

_After dinner I lead Clarke to a place outside but she thought I was dropping her off at home. I let her stand still here on the grass for a while and didn’t say anything for a while._

_‘’Everything okay?’’ She asked me a little worried._

_I smiled and nodded. I couldn’t help but feel a little nervous, because Clarke and I had never discussed this before._

_It was a cold night so we were both wearing our beanies. I put my arms around Clarke’s waist, standing behind her. I placed a little kiss in her neck and rested my chin on her shoulder. Clarke leaned a little back further into my body and embraced my arms around her own waist._

_‘’So, why are we standing here in the cold? We could cuddle somewhere else, you know. Somewhere warm. Somewhere not outside.’’_

_I smiled. Clarke helped me perfectly describing what I wanted to ask her._

_‘’What do you see over there?’’ I asked, pointing in the distance._

_‘’Um… Buildings? Apartments?’’_

_I nodded slowly. ‘’How about we cuddle in there every day?’’_

_It remained silent for a while and then Clarke turned around in my arms to face me. She placed a hand on my chest and started playing with my coat’s button._

_‘’What are you saying?’’ Clarke smirked through her confusion._

_I sighed happily. ‘’What about we move in together? I’ll leave Anya the apartment to herself and you’ll have a home after you finish studying next year. I would see you every day and wake up next to you every morning. I would give you smooches and try to wake you up on early mornings. We will have breakfast together, dinner together. Just you and me.’’_

_Clarke smiled wide and leaned in to kiss me. I could feel her smiling through the kiss._

_‘’So-‘’ Kiss. ‘’That’s a-‘’ Kiss. ‘’Yes?” I asked._

_Clarke pulled back and she was still smiling wide._

_‘’No.’’ She said and placed her mouth next to my ear_.  _‘’Only if we_  also  _do more than just cuddling in there.’’ She said smiling._

_I laughed and shook my head. I couldn’t help but kiss her again._

_‘’You’re a dork.’’ I said. ‘’But yeah, I think we can arrange that.’’_

_She was laughing too now and turned around, letting me cuddle her again from behind. We stood there for a while in silence._

_‘’I was talking about playing chess, you know that, right babe?’’ Clarke said as serious as possible._

_I smiled. ‘’Call it whatever you want.’’_

\----  

 

__

‘’Lexa always cheats playing games. It’s a problem.’’ Raven said.

 

 

‘’Um, not true. You just can’t stand that I always win.’’

 

 

Clarke and Anya laughed. 

 

 

‘’Cheater.’’ Raven said.

 

 

It had been a while since we had a girl’s night.

 

 

‘’Too bad Octavia couldn’t be here.’’ Clarke said.

 

 

We all nodded.

 

 

‘’At least she finally has a date with her hot co-worker.’’ Anya said.

 

 

‘’Who is it?’’ Clarke asked.

 

 

Anya showed a picture of the guy on her phone. ‘’His name is Lincoln. Hot, right?’’

 

 

Clarke took a good look at it and then looked around to look at all three of us. It looked like she was scared to say something which made me laugh a little bit.

 

 

‘’Yeah, he’s hot.’’ I said and everybody laughed.

 

 

‘’See? Even Lexa thinks so.’’ Anya said.

 

 

Clarke glanced at me smiling before looking away again.

 

 

‘’Alright ladies, let’s pair up.’’ Raven said. 

 

 

‘’Alright, Raven, you pick first.’’ I proposed.

 

 

‘’Well, I don’t play with cheaters. So it’s either Anya or Clarke.’’

 

 

‘’You know you want me, Reyes.’’ Anya winked.

 

 

‘’Yeah, who am I kidding. No offense Clarke.’’

 

 

‘’None taken. I would’ve chosen Lexa either way.’’ 

 

 

‘’You’re gonna regret that, Griffin.’’ Raven said again, pointing at Clarke.

 

 

‘’We’ll see.’’ Clarke looked at me and smiled again. I was just smiling widely all the time.

 

 

After a while Clarke and I were kicking Anya and Raven’s ass in Trivial Pursuit. Obviously. 

 

 

‘’For someone who’s never finished their school, you know a lot.’’ Clarke said after we won.

 

 

‘’She cheats.’’ Raven said.

 

 

I rolled my eyes. 

 

 

‘’Why did you make her go to study? We could’ve kicked your asses.’’ Anya said.

 

 

Clarke frowned. ‘’I? Made you go? To college?’’

 

 

I sighed. ‘’Well. I mean. It was a course. It wasn’t college.’’

 

 

‘’I made you?’’ Clarke asked again.

 

 

‘’You convinced me. How else would I have a company?’’

 

 

Clarke widened her eyes and smiled proudly.

 

 

‘’The credits are all yours.’’ Anya told Clarke.

 

 

Clarke kept smiling and I couldn’t help but laugh.

 

 

‘’So, what are you doing tomorrow?’’ Raven asked us.

 

 

"Not sure yet. Maybe we're going to do some groceries. Or at least, I will."   
  


  
"If you go, I'll come with." Clarke said.   
  


  
I nodded.  


  
  
"Oh, and are we going out tomorrow? Like, for dinner? As we planned the other night but then I got sick."   


  
  
Raven and Anya were looking at me in disbelieve.  
  


  
"Ah so, just dinner?’’ Raven asked.  


  
  
I widened my eyes and saw Clarke stare at me, just like the others. Dammit Raven.  
  


  
‘’Yes… Just dinner.’’

 

 

‘’Maybe you could show Clarke the lake, you know?’’ Raven said.

 

 

‘’Hmm, no.’’ I said nervously. 

 

 

Clarke frowned. ‘’Oh, is it the one where we met?’’

 

 

Raven laughed. ‘’Sure. Met.’’

 

 

I gave Raven a deadly look.

 

 

‘’Yes, that’s the one, Clarke. But we don’t have to-‘’

 

 

‘’I would love to see that!’’ Clarke sounded really enthusiastic.

 

 

Raven nodded. ‘’Might bring back some memories.’’ 

 

 

Clarke nodded. ‘’Can we go to the lake after dinner?’’ She looked at me with her puppy eyes and I couldn’t say no. It just brought back so many memories for me that I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go. But I wanted to make new memories with Clarke. Memories we’ll both remember.

 

 

‘’Sure, we’ll go.’’ I said smiling.

 

 

She hugged me happily, like a little girl who just got some candy and I saw Anya and Raven smiling at me.

 

 

\---- 

 

__

_I finally drove home after a terribly long day of only work and work. I looked at my watch. 8 p.m. Sigh. Clarke was supposed to be waiting for me with dinner, but I called her earlier today that she shouldn't wait for me since I would come home a little late. I had been on the road for five hours today and I had been awake for sixteen. After meeting client after client after client, I could use some sleep and rest._

 

 

_About an hour later when I arrived to our new apartment, I slowly opened the door. Then I found Clarke laying on the sofa and happily standing up when she saw me to go meet me at the door. I just stood there still for a while until I tasted her lips on mine._

 

 

_''Hey, stranger.'' She said smiling._

 

 

_''Hey there.'' I smiled back tiredly._

 

 

_She turned around me and took off my coat. When I walked towards the kitchen, I saw Clarke had set the table for the two of us. Two plates, two candles and two very hungry people._

 

 

_Just when I wanted to turn around to face Clarke, I felt a warm hand pushing my hair away from my neck, followed by soft kisses there._

 

 

_''Tell me you didn't wait for me to have dinner.'' I told her, my breath shaking a bit, caused by the touch of her lips on my skin._

 

 

_Clarke nodded and stopped kissing me. Instead she put her hands on my waist._

 

 

_''What are we waiting for?'' She whispered in my ear._

 

 

_I smiled. How did I ever get so lucky?_

 

 

_''Oh my god, Clarke. The apartment is still standing!'' I said jokingly while sitting down in front of Clarke._

 

 

_Clarke frowned but then started laughing._

 

 

_''Babe, I won't burn this place down while I'm cooking. And you know why? Because I didn't cook. I just went to get us Chinese instead. I don't want to burn anything down after only a month of living here.''_

 

 

_I burst into laughter._

 

 

_''I love you anyway.'' I answered._

 

 

_We ate in silence like a couple of animals and I finally felt a little more energized with food in my stomach._

 

 

_I leaned back on my chair.''This was great. Thanks for getting us food, even though you didn't have to.''_

 

 

_Clarke smiled. ''We're not done yet, I still have some dessert.''_

 

 

_''Okay... Did you buy that too?''_

 

 

_Clarke stood up, walking towards me. She placed herself on my lap, facing me, her legs on each side of me. She grabbed my neck with both hands and I placed my hands on her back. I knew exactly what she was doing._

 

 

_Clarke hungrily connected our lips and I followed her lead._

 

 

_I wasn't scared to admit I had been craving her all day long, even though I was tired. Clarke rapidly opened the buttons of my blouse one by one and continued kissing me, letting me taste every single spot of her lips._

 

 

_''You couldn't come up with something more original than making you my dessert?'' I said through the kiss, smiling._

 

 

_Clarke pulled back from the kiss and I made a protesting noise. She stroke my hair behind my ear and then carefully pulled of her tank top, letting me take in the perfect view in front of me. She bit her lip and leaned her forehead against mine. She let out a little laugh. God she was sexy._

 

 

_''Well, you still need to reward me for helping you with you company.''_

 

 

\----

 

‘’Sure, sure. Yes, I will. Oh my g- Raven, no. I’m not gonna do that.’’

 

 

‘’Why not? Just kiss her, touch her a little bit, might refresh her memory.’’

 

 

‘’Now you’re just being a douchebag. I don’t want to rush things. This is all new to her. Besides, it’s just a dinner.’’

 

 

‘’Okay, okay I get it. Just don’t screw this up, alright?’’

 

 

I sighed and looked at my watch. ‘’I know, I’ve been trying not to mess things up for the last couple of weeks. Look, I have to go now. I’m gonna drive home and pick up Clarke and take her out.’’

 

 

‘’I already called Clarke. She’s excited.’’

 

 

I stayed silent for a while. ‘’You did not…’’

 

 

‘’That’s what friends are for, you’re welcome, bye have fun, love you, call me tomorrow.’’ 

 

 

‘’Did she just?’’ I sighed. She hung up the phone. I just hoped Raven didn’t scare Clarke or told her to do anything she didn’t want.

 

 

When I arrived home, I opened the front door and went looking for Clarke but couldn’t find her anywhere.

 

 

‘’Clarke?’’ I asked, my voice almost echoing through the apartment.

 

 

‘’I’m here!’’ Clarke yelled and came out of the bedroom.

 

 

I turned around to find a gorgeous and absolutely stunning Clarke in a black, classy dress with high heels, black purse, red lipstick her hair a little curly and hanging loose on one side. 

 

 

I just stood there, in my work clothes and hadn’t noticed that my jaw had dropped a little.

 

 

‘’Is this okay? I don’t really know, I just felt like dressing up a bit. Should I change into something else? I should change.’’ Clarke said a little awkwardly.

 

 

‘’No, no, it’s great.’’ I cleared my throat. ‘’Clarke, you look…’’ I paused, because I couldn’t find one single word that could describe her. ‘’Lovely. Stunning. You just look beautiful. I feel like I should change into something else, too.’’

 

 

Clarke laughed shyly. ‘’Thanks. I wouldn’t change if I were you, you look good already.’’

 

 

I scoffed. ‘’I’m wearing my work suit.’’ 

 

 

Clarke smiled. ‘’Exactly.’’ 

 

 

I smiled back and put my hands in my pocket. ‘’Well, you want to just go then?’’

 

 

Clarke nodded. ‘’Yeah, come on. I’m starving.’’

 

 

At the restaurant Clarke was trying to decide what to eat, looking at the menu. Seeing her struggle like that couldn’t keep my eyes from not staring at her. 

 

 

‘’So. Much. Food.’’ Clarke whispered loudly enough so I could hear her.

 

 

I laughed. ‘’Just pick whatever you like the most.’’

 

 

Clarke looked up at me, squeezing her eyes together and I could see she was thinking really hard. Then the waiter came by. 

 

 

It was Lorenzo, an old, Italian man who we knew very well because we would come and eat her all the time.

 

‘’Good evening Miss Woods, Miss Griffin. It’s been a while. Would you like to have the usual?’’ He greeted us happily with his Italian accent.

 

 

Clarke widened her eyes. ‘’I have a usual? Well, that just made everything easier.’’

 

 

Lorenzo looked confused.

 

 

‘’Yes, I will have the usual, Lorenzo.’’ I said.

 

 

‘’Me too.’’ Clarke glanced at me and smiled.

 

 

Lorenzo nodded and walked away but then came back a few seconds later, standing next to Clarke. He held Clarke’s hand. ‘’Miss Griffin, you look very beautiful tonight, I almost forgot to tell you.’’ Then he turned to me. ‘’I won’t steal her from you, don’t worry.’’ 

 

 

We all laughed.

 

 

‘’You’ve tried stealing her before.’’ I joked.

 

 

He laughed and let go of Clarke’s hand. Then he grabbed mine. ‘’You look very lovely tonight too, miss Woods.’’

 

 

I laughed and saw Clarke just look very confused at the old man.

 

 

‘’Thank you, Lorenzo. But I believe Clarke wins from all of us tonight.’’

 

 

‘’Ah yes. She even looks more beautiful than me.’’ He laughed. ‘’Your dinner will be here any moment.’’ He said and walked away.

 

 

‘’What the hell was that?’’ Clarke asked laughing.

 

 

I was still laughing too. ‘’That’s Lorenzo. He’s one of those nice, old men who cares way too much about people who don’t care for him, if you know what I mean. He’s too sweet for this world. He always tells us how much he loves us and that he wished we could be his daughters.’’

 

 

Clarke smiled and put up her puppy eyes again. ‘’Aw, that’s too cute.’’ 

 

 

I nodded. ‘’He is.’’

 

 

After a while Lorenzo came with our food and made us laugh a few more times. 

 

Clarke got the chocolate cake she loved as dessert and the look on her face hadn't changed at all in all those months. She widened her eyes like always and when she tasted it and she let out a long, happy 'hmmmmm'. It was adorable as always.

 

"This is the best chocolate cake in the whole wide world, I swear. You should try it." She handed me a piece on her fork.

  


I laughed. "I know, I have tasted it before." 

  


"Come on, just a little bite."

  


I rolled my eyes jokingly and ate the piece of cake from het fork. 

  


"Hmmmm." I hummed with my mouth full.

  


Clarke laughed. "Right?" 

  


After I swallowed the piece of cake, I turned to Clarke.

  


"Clarke, I have a really important question to ask you."

  


"Oh god, you're not going to propose, are you?" Clarke joked.

  


I laughed a little awkwardly.

  


"No... I just wondered what Raven said to you on the phone today."

  


Clarke frowned. "Raven?" 

  


I nodded. "She did call you, right?" 

  


"No?" Clarke looked confused.

  


That little, stupid, douchebag of a witch. 

  


"Oh." Was all I said.

  


"Did she tell you she called me?"

  


"Yes. Typical Raven."

  


Clarke laughed. "Yeah, typical Raven. I did call Octavia today to ask how her date went."

  


"Oh, yeah I forgot! How did it go?" I asked curiously.

  


"Well, apparently it went freaking great because he slept over."

  


My jaw dropped a little. "Wow, okay. That is some news." 

  


Clarke laughed again and nodded. 

  


"Guess we'll have to approve him soon." I added.

  


I saw Clarke hesitating a little before she finally spoke. "Did she approve you too? Like, in the beginning."

 

I chuckled. "In the beginning? Octavia? Kind of. Raven? Absolutely not. She knew my past and she did not like me for one bit for you. But right now, I couldn't wish for other great friends like them." I laughed and so did Clarke.

 

"What about Anya? Did she approve me?" Clarke asked curious.

 

I smirked. "She loved you. That was the problem. I was still kind of a mess when I met you and she didn't want such a great girl like you to get involved with, well, me." 

 

Clarke gave me a sad smile. "What was she scared of?"

 

"Well, mostly of me being a bad influence for you and hurting you. Just like I did to others."

 

Clarke nodded understanding. "But you never were a bad influence on me, right?"

 

I shook my head. "I left everyone speechless of how much I've changed for the better when we started dating." I said proudly. "I guess you were worth more to me than keeping my crazy lifestyle back then."

 

Clarke grinned. "Good." 

 

 

After we finished eating, I paid for dinner and lead Clarke outside to the car, walking hand in hand. 

 

 

After a few minutes in the car, we arrived at the lake and got out. It was dark outside and I knew we would get cold so I brought two blankets from home.

 

 

‘’This is a beautiful place.’’ Clarke said while sitting down. 

 

 

I handed her a blanket. ‘’Yes, it certainly is.’’

 

 

Clarke wrapped herself up in her blanket and I laid my blanket over my legs. She let out a shivery, content sigh and moved in closer to me and leaned her head on my shoulder.

 

 

I moved in closer to her as well and leaned my head on hers. I was really just processing this evening, this place. It did bring back so many memories. Our first meeting, first kiss, my proposal. I’ve been trying to let Clarke remember anything at all for the last couple of weeks, but I started to realize maybe I shouldn’t focus on that. Maybe I should focus on a new, fresh start with her and the memories we’ve made I will always remember.

 

 

‘’Lexa?’’

 

 

‘’Clarke?’’

 

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’

 

 

‘’What for?’’

 

 

‘’Everything. All of it. Today, when you were somewhere with your client, I saw some videos of the two of us together that we filmed over the last few years. We seemed so happy. And I doubted that from the beginning. I doubted you. I doubted myself.’’

 

I knew exactely what video's she meant. We used to film a lot so we could have those memories forever. Video's with us at the lake, in Italy, in parcs, with Christmas, you name it all.

  


She paused and lifted her head from my shoulder so she could look at me.

 

 

‘’And I still doubt myself sometimes. I don’t really know who I am anymore. And all you do is be kind and nice to me and I only had eyes for Finn. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t really know what we are, you and I. But I would like to figure that out. Together.’’

 

 

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

 

 

‘’I’m just a little scared.’’ She added.

 

 

Clarke had always been good talking about her feelings. Me? Not so much. But I tried.

 

 

I stroke her hair out of her face.

 

 

‘’Don’t be sorry. Clarke, I don’t want you to force you into doing anything you don’t want to do. You know, feelings don’t just disappear like that. That counts for you, Finn and me. It’s okay to be scared. Just know I am here for you, having your back.’’ 

 

 

I paused a while and looked into her eyes that made me fall in love with her the very first time I saw them.

 

 

‘’I just want you to be happy. Even if that’s without me.’’

 

 

Clarke smiled widely and laid her head back on my shoulder again. 

 

 

‘’You just need time, I get it, and that’s okay. Don’t worry about it.’’ I gave her a little kiss on her head and took the scent of her hair in me that tickled my nose a bit.

 

‘’I’m having a great time, just so you know. Much better than with Finn.’’ 

 

I smiled.

 

‘’I’m happy to hear that.’’

 

A lot of things were going through my mind. All I wanted to do is dance with her just like our first date and kiss her. But I couldn’t. Besides, I was comfortable like this, with Clarke all nuzzled into me.

 

After a few yawns from both of us I proposed we should go back to the apartment.

 

‘’This is weird, after a date you don’t usually go back with your date to the same house. Unless you want to have… You know. Pull an…Linctavia.’’ Clarke said entering the apartment.

 

I burst into laughter at the name. ‘’So, this was a date then?’’

 

I saw Clarke blushing a little and she took off her shoes. I just stood there with my arms crossed, smiling.

 

‘’Wasn’t that clear?’’ She said carefully.

 

I laughed again. ‘’You’re cute.’’ It slipped out before I knew it. Clarke didn’t seem to mind and she just smiled. Then she walked towards me a little hesitating, arms behind her, looking at the ground. I don’t know why, but I felt so nervous. 

 

At Clarke’s last step she locked our eyes together and hugged me, her head resting on my chest. I held her too by putting my arms around her and closed my eyes. I felt Clarke exhale deeply. We stayed like this a little too long, which I obviously didn’t mind, but my heartbeat was racing now. I was sure she could hear it.

 

After a while Clarke slowly pulled away from me, still holding me. I was almost sure Clarke wouldn’t make the first move on me and I didn’t want to do it either. I mean, I wanted it, but assumed Clarke wasn’t ready yet.

 

But then Clarke did something I never expected. She leaned in and gave me a quick peck on my lips. She looked me in the eyes and smiled. It was too short for me to fully take it in what just happened, so I leaned back slowly in and kissed her again. 

 

At this point all my insides were screaming in the greatest way. I had been waiting so long for this. To taste her beautiful lips. After a while it felt like I was kissing the old Clarke again. She fully let herself go and grabbed my neck with both hands, cupped my cheeks, grabbed my waist and just didn’t know where to place her hands. She tilted her head a little more to give me more entrance and I connected our tongues. I caressed her cheeks, her back and then held her tightly. Not too tight, in case she wanted to let go of me. But she didn’t just yet. We continued our passionate kiss until Clarke came up for some air, still holding me. We just both stared at each other in silence, only our heavy breathing audible and our foreheads were touching. Her eyes were filled with a certain emotion. I didn’t know whether it was lust, love, satisfaction or regret, so I decided to talk.

 

I caressed her cheeks again. ‘’You okay?’’ I whispered.

 

Clarke smiled and bit her lip. Then she nodded slowly. 

 

I saw her eyes switching from my lips to my eyes three times before she leaned in to kiss me again. Very softly, gently but she held me tighter than ever. She kept kissing me a little longer and then grabbed one of my hands away from her cheek. She broke the kiss and intertwined our fingers and lead me to our bedroom, gently pulling my hand. 

 

It felt like everything was a dream from the moment our lips touched a few minutes ago. I tried paying attention to Clarke and not let my thoughts take over and imagine what pleasurable things I wanted to do to her. 

 

She opened the bedroom door and pulled us inside. She closed the door by pushing me against it, her lips crashing on mine again. I felt her smiling through the kiss and I couldn’t help but kiss her harder because of it. I grabbed her and pulled her closer to me. But my hands never went below her waist.

 

‘’You’re so beautiful.’’ I whispered through the kiss.

 

Clarke was smiling even wider now. ‘’You don’t look so bad yourself.’’ 

 

I smiled and then saw her hesitating a little before she pulled off my blazer. She brought my hands that were on her waist to her back where her dress’s zipper was. I understood that I had to undo the zipper but something in me told me I shouldn’t.

 

I broke the kiss. ‘’Clarke.’’ I whispered a little louder. ‘’We shouldn’t.’’ I was breathing heavy again and so was Clarke.

 

Clarke didn’t say anything for a while. Then she took a little step back and intertwined our fingers of both our hands. 

 

‘’Just because I’m ready doesn’t mean you have to be.’’ I added.

 

Clarke looked into my eyes. She let out maybe one of the deepest sighs ever. ‘’You’re right. You’re just sweet and I my heart melted a little when you called me beautiful.’’ Clarke laughed a little.

 

I smiled. ‘’You are. But I’m not saying that to get you to sleep with me.’’

 

Clarke smiled. ‘’I know.’’ She paused a second before continuing. ‘’You don’t mind I’m far from being ready for this?’’

 

‘’Of course not.’’ I squeezed her hands gently. ‘’I’d wait my whole life for you.’’

 

‘’Okay, now you’re just being a big ass sab.’’ She laughed.

 

I laughed too. ‘’I’m serious, Clarke. I would. I love you.’’ 

 

Oh my god.

 

I did not just say that. 

 

It came out before I noticed. Again. This time Clarke wasn’t smiling.

 

I saw Clarke had widened her eyes.

 

I mean, this wasn’t news, right? She knew I loved her. I just never told her after the accident. This couldn’t be so bad, right?

 

‘’Thank… you…’’ Clarke frowned and let go of my hands. I totally screwed up.

 

‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I mean, I did but…’’ I let out a deep sigh and put my hands in my pocket. ‘’I’m gonna just sleep on the couch again.’’ I turned around and walked away. I heard Clarke call me two times but I just kept walking. 

 

‘’Goodnight.’’ Clarke yelled after my awkward walk away.

 

\---- 

 

_I held Clarke tightly in my arms and I could feel her tears running down on my upper arm. She buried her head a little more in my chest as she sobbed a little while longer. I hated seeing Clarke like this. I didn't want her to be in pain._

 

 

_I placed a soft kiss on her forehead and then Clarke pulled back, resting her hands on my shoulders. I cupped her cheeks with both hands and wiped her tears away._

 

 

_''Clarke, I know this isn't my decision to make but you shouldn't be doing this. It's going to hurt you even more.'' I looked into her sad red eyes from crying._

 

 

_''It already is- is hurting me and you.'' She sniffed._

 

 

_I had no idea what to tell her, because she was right. But I could at least try to talk her out of this._

 

 

_''Maybe you just need more time to decide this.''_

 

 

_''More time?'' Clarke raised her voice. ''I've given her a hundred chances and she keeps screwing up. I am honestly scared she'll do something to you, just like she once tried before.''_

 

 

_I wiped another falling tear away. ''She won't.'' I couldn't say I wasn't scared either after she tried running me over with her car. Crazy._

 

 

_''I'm done. I don't want to see her anymore. All she's ever done is make my life miserable. Just like today. What she said about me. About you. I can't live like this anymore.''_

 

 

_I gave her a sad little smirk. ''I know.'' I stroke her hair out of her face. ''I just don't want you to make any rushed decisions like this.''_

 

 

_''If I had to choose between you or my mom I would choose you.''_

 

 

_''I don't want you to choose between us. You could have both of us. You know how much I wanted my parents to be here.''_

 

 

_Clarke shook her head heavily. ''Our parents are very different from each other. And who says something like that to their child?''_

 

 

_Clarke was sobbing again so I took her in my arms, just like a moment ago._

 

 

_''Her words are still running through my head.'' Clarke paused a while, placing her hands on my chest._

 

 

_''I could never love you if you were into women.'' Clarke imitated her mom. ''What does she think you are? A guy?''_

 

 

_''A phase.'' I answered._

 

 

_Clarke didn't say anything for a while._

 

 

_''Lexa?''_

 

 

_''Mm?''_

 

 

_Clarke looked up to me and locked our eyes._

 

 

_''You know you're not a phase to me, right?'' Her voice was a little shaky and raspy and I could see there was another tear about to run down her cheek._

 

 

_I smiled a little sadly and placed a kiss on her nose. ''I know.''_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We start from Clarke's point of view now

Since last night Lexa had been avoiding me. I won’t lie, it was more than awkward. I just wish I could’ve said the same to her, but I couldn’t. I can’t. ‘’Thank you’’ I said instead. Like that’s any better. It was just the first thing that came up to me.

 

 

I never thought I could feel something though for her. Or any other woman. But that kiss last night was pretty amazing. Not only was she a great kisser, she made me feel a little myself again. And I hadn’t been feeling myself in a very long time. And yes, that made me scared and I didn’t know what to do last night. I maybe just assumed I had to do something and I didn’t want to make Lexa wait any longer. I was more confused than ever at this moment because I didn’t know what I want.

 

 

Anyway, I had been really hungry for the last half an hour, and Lexa was cooking dinner for us I assumed. I wanted to come out of the bedroom to help her, but we hadn’t talked in all day. It’s not that I didn’t want to, she just kept avoiding me.

 

 _Screw it._ I counted to three, took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom to see Lexa cooking in the kitchen.

 

 

‘’I’m almost done!’’ Lexa shouted the second I opened the door. What nice first words for the day.

 

 

‘’Take your time. You want me to help you?’’

 

 

‘’Nope, I have to go to a client again so you’ll have to eat by yourself today.’’

 

 

I couldn’t say I wasn’t disappointed but I had to accept it. Her clients were important to her.

 

 

I saw Lexa rushing like she had been doing all day long. AKA avoiding me.

 

 

‘’Oh okay, sure. Hey, Lex, do you think you’ll be home on time?’’ I still wanted to talk to her about last night, no matter how awkward we both felt about it.

 

 

‘’Umm, don’t count on it. I’ve got to go. The food is ready for you. See you later.’’ She said rushed and left without her suitcase. She closed the door and I grabbed her suitcase, running after her. She was almost in the elevator now. This woman had some secret running skills or something. She was avoiding me big time.

 

 

‘’Lexa! Your suitcase.’’ I ran and I was out of breath when I reached Lexa.

 

 

Lexa widened her eyes by seeing me and quickly grabbed her suitcase from my hand.

 

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Lexa said at the touch and walked into the elevator.

 

 

‘’You’re welcome?’’ I stood there a little while. Disappointed, really. She couldn’t even look me in the eyes, let alone touch me or talk to me. I wished she would though.

 

I walked back to the apartment and grabbed myself a plate and a fork to eat the delicious pasta Lexa had made. She didn’t have to cook for just me. I could have made something myself. Like, cook an egg or something…

 

After dinner I called Raven to ask her if she wanted to hang out, because I really needed someone to talk to. She would be here as soon as she could she told me.

 

Meanwhile, I was still going through some photo albums and video recordings to kill some time. I grabbed a blue photo album that I hadn’t seen before. When I opened it I saw a bunch of new pictures. They seemed being taken not so long ago, because Lexa and I looked exactly the same as we do now.

 

I saw pictures with only Lexa and me this time. Nobody else. When I opened the second page, I saw a lot of pictures with the both of us showing off a diamond ring on our ring finger. Both smiling wide. Lexa kissing me. Me kissing Lexa. Us kissing each other. I wondered if we looked the same last night. All the pictures were taken at the lake we first met. I frowned out of confusion. The rings were pretty similar to engagement rings. They looked pretty expensive.

 

I got interrupted by Raven knocking on the front door. I let her in and she immediately walked to the kitchen to grab herself some wine.

 

‘’She did what??’’ Raven was in total shock.

 

‘’Yeah, I know. It was really awkward, but other than that I had a great time last night.’’

 

‘’Yeah, I bet.’’

 

I smirked a bit awkwardly.

 

‘’I don’t really know what to do, Raven. I want us to go back to where we left off yesterday before she said she loved me. But then again, I don’t think we can do that so easily. I’m just not ready like that. At all.’’

 

Raven let out a deep sigh.

 

‘’I’m gonna kill her.’’ Raven mumbled as far as I could hear.

 

It stayed silent for a little while before I broke it.

 

‘’Can I ask you something?’’ My voice was a little shaky because I was scared of the answer.

 

Raven nodded carefully.

 

‘’Are we-‘’ I paused and took a deep breath. ‘’Were Lexa and I engaged or even married before the accident?’’

 

Raven stared into my eyes like she was empty from the inside. I figured she was in shock. ‘’Clarke, I’m not the right person to talk to about this. You should simply talk to Lexa instead, even though she doesn’t want to talk.’’

 

‘’I know. I will.’’ Raven’s answer told me enough really. ‘’Maybe it’s best if I move in with my mom or something again for a while. Not that it’s an ideal place to stay, but it’s better than staying awkwardly here I guess, with Lexa avoiding me.’’

 

Raven smiled a little sadly. ‘’If you plan on moving out for a while, you could always move in with me, you know?’’

 

I smiled and nodded thankfully. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

 

\----

 

_‘’I’m not hurting you, am I?’’_

 

‘’ _Babe, for the hundredth time, you’re great. Can’t you see I’m enjoying myself?’’ Clarke told me out of breath._

_I stopped thrusting into my girlfriend, my fingers still deep inside her._

_Clarke let out a protesting sigh and started moving her hips up and down so she was riding my fingers._

_‘’I’ll take care of myself if you don’t do it.’’ She whispered in my ear, her legs tightly around me and her hands caressing my bare back._

_I smiled and kissed her lips, thrusting my fingers in and out of her again and she let out a loud moan when I hit the right spot over and over again. I felt she was getting close since I felt her walls clench once around my fingers and she was moaning louder with every thrust._

_‘’I’m close.’’ She groaned._

_‘’I know.’’ I whispered._

_She smiled and let her head fall completely back into her pillow, closing her eyes. A few deep thrusts later she let out the loudest cry I’d ever heard her make and her walls were clenching non-stop around my fingers. I stared at her, amazed by how beautiful she looked like this. I let her ride out my fingers before I pulled them out and then collapsed on top of her._

_We were both out of breath and I nuzzled a little deeper into Clarke’s neck._

_‘’That. Was. Amazing.’’ Clarke breathed out._

_I smiled and gave her a kiss on her naked chest._

_‘’Good.’’ I said._

_We both let out a happy sigh._

_Then I felt Clarke turning us around so she was on top of me. I took a moment to take in the view above me._

_‘’God, you’re beautiful.’’ I told her, scanning her face and body._

_Clarke’s smile was wide and she started kissing me. I grabbed her hips and brought her closer to me._

_‘’Lexa.’’ She breathed out through the kiss._

_‘’Yeah?’’_

_She pulled back from the kiss. ‘’You’re going to have to guide me through this. You know, since I’ve never done this before. I don’t want to hurt you.’’ Her expression changed into something more serious._

_I grinned and stroke her hair behind her ear._

_‘’I know. It’s okay, I’ll help you.’’ My voice was soft and gentle._

_Clarke smiled again and brought her lips to mine only this time she kissed me more passionate._

_I knew she would never screw up, she was already perfect._

_\----_

 

‘’You screwed up.’’

 

‘’Wow, thanks Anya. I didn’t feel terrible enough already.’’ I said, taking a sip of my beer.

 

‘’Why in the name of fuck would you say something like that?’’ Anya seemed furious.

 

‘’It just came out of my mouth before I knew it. It felt so natural.’’

 

‘’Except it’s not.’’

 

I let out a deep sigh.

 

‘’I fucked up.’’ I took another sip of my beer, trying to drink away my upcoming tears.

 

‘’And now she thinks you’re with a client?’’

 

I nodded a little guilty.

 

Anya let out a deep sigh. ‘’Lexa, you can’t avoid her forever.’’ She sighed again. On the bright side, she did kiss you back yesterday, right?’’

 

I nodded again.

 

‘’Well, that’s good. Talk to her about it.’’

 

‘’I’m not good at talking, you know that.’’

 

‘’Well, it’s either that or you’ll lose her anyway.’’

 

I squeezed my eyes and exhaled deeply.

 

‘’Why am I losing all the people I love in my life?’’ I said, drinking my beer for the same reason five seconds ago.

 

Anya stared at me. I didn’t look at her but I could feel she felt sorry for me. Something I was almost allergic to.

 

‘’Except for you obviously. Anyway, how’s your life?’’ I said quickly.

 

Anya remained silent and then smiled.

 

‘’Go home and stop drinking all of my beer. You can’t fall into your old pattern again, drinking away your problems. Go home, go talk to her.’’

 

I knew she was right and I hated it.

 

I let out a loud cry like a little kid and stood up.

 

Anya laughed and stood up to embrace me.

 

‘’You’re going to be fine, sis.’’

 

I hugged her back and nodded into her shoulder. She was right, I should go back to Clarke, face my fear and just talk to her. I just felt so embarrassed.

 

I gave a kiss on Anya’s cheek and broke the contact.

 

‘’Thanks.’’ I grinned.

 

She gave a quick nod and let me out of her apartment.

 

I drove home in only ten minutes, although I wished I would have had some more time to prepare myself for this. I just assumed I could’ve avoided her like, I don’t know… forever? I sighed and parked the car.

 

I reached for my keys and entered the apartment. I found Raven and Clarke looking at a book they were holding. They were looking very serious at it.

 

When they noticed I had entered they both greeted me from the couch with a simple ‘’Hi’’.

 

I regretted this already.

 

‘’I’m just gonna head out.’’ Raven said.

 

Raven hugged Clarke goodbye and walked towards me. She had a furious look on her face suddenly and she looked like she wanted to kill me, but she didn’t. She just kept walking out of the apartment without saying anything else to me.

 

‘’Bye to you too.’’ I shouted after she closed the door. I had a feeling why Raven acted like this.

 

The moment I turned to Clarke and saw she was looking at me, I felt so nervous my stomach dropped, just like it had the whole day.

 

‘’You’re back earlier than I thought.’’ Clarke said.

 

I took off my coat and walked slowly towards the same couch Clarke was on.

 

‘’What’s that?’’ I asked pointing at the book she was holding, ignoring her. Suddenly I saw what kind of book it was and could swear my heart skipped a beat.

 

‘’A photo album. Of when we just got engaged. You know, nothing important.’’

 

I locked our eyes.

 

‘’Clarke-‘’

 

‘’How come you’ve never told me?’’ She interrupted me.

 

I swallowed loudly.

 

‘’Why?’’ Clarke sounded impatient.

 

‘’I- I thought I would pressure you into our relationship. I didn’t want to make you feel more miserable.’’ My voice was raspy.

 

Clarke didn’t say anything for a while. She just kept looking at me with her sad eyes.

 

‘’When were we planning on getting married?’’ She asked carefully.

 

I doubted telling her the truth and I wanted to say that we didn’t know yet. But we did know and I couldn’t lie to her again.

 

‘’May 22.’’

 

I saw Clarke thinking.

 

‘’That’s in two months.’’ Clarke blurted out.

 

I nodded.

 

‘’Wow. You should’ve told me. This is serious, Lexa. We were serious.’’ She sighed. ‘’What’s next? We were planning on having a baby?’’

 

I remained silent, still looking at Clarke.

 

‘’Oh my g-‘’

 

‘’No, no, we weren’t. I mean, not for now anyway.’’ I scratched my neck nervously.

 

Clarke sighed and we both didn’t say anything for a while.

 

I was so nervous I just wanted to blurt it out. And so I did.

 

‘’I’m sorry about yesterday. I’m such a stupid asshole.’’ I shook my head.

 

Clarke smiled sadly. ‘’No, you’re not. It’s okay, get it. We were together for a long time. We were even engaged.’’ Clarke carefully laid her hand on my knee. ‘’I just hope that one day I could love you the same way you love me. But right now, I’m not sure of anything I feel. I’m trying to find out who I am first.’’

 

I nodded understandably, unable to drink my pain away at the moment.

 

‘’But, last night before I screwed up was nice, right?’’ I tried, speaking carefully.

 

Clarke smirked and nodded.

 

‘’Yes, that was nice.’’ She paused before continuing. ‘’I liked kissing you.’’ Clarke chuckled softly but then went back to serious.

 

‘’Lexa? Do you think it’s a good idea if we both get ourselves some space? I mean, for a while anyway. I could live with Raven for a little while and allow us the time we both need.’’

 

I didn’t need time or space. I just needed her to stay here with me. But, I got the hint. She did need time and space and so I couldn’t do anything else than to just agree with her.

 

‘’Yeah, that actually might be a good idea.’’ I swallowed back my breaking voice.

 

Clarke smiled a little. ‘’Really? I’m so happy you agree because I’m just very confused at the moment and I really don’t know what I want.’’

 

I understood. Never said it didn’t hurt though.

 

I grinned and let out a soft sigh. At least she was going to move in with Raven for a while and not with her mom for example.

 

‘’So… does that mean I can’t talk to you or see you anymore until you decide you want to come back or not?’’

 

Clarke smirked. ‘’Of course not. We can still talk or see each other. What I mean is that seeing each other 24/7 might not be good for us if we want to make this work someday.’’

 

_Someday._

 

I nodded. I was a little relieved she didn’t mind talking to me or seeing me once in a while.

 

Clarke grinned and so did I. Crying was useless anyway.

 

Then Clarke moved in closer and hugged me, her head resting on my chest. It broke me, knowing it was my fault we couldn’t do this every day anymore.

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ I said one last time.

 

Clarke looked up at me. She didn’t really know what to say, which made me feel even more guilty.

 

‘’I did this to you. It’s my fault.’’

 

Clarke shook her head. ‘’No it’s not. Stop saying that.’’ She laid her head back on my chest again and held me a little tighter.

 

‘’I promise to come by sometimes to see you. We could have another girls night or cuddle like this or do other things than cuddling.’’ Clarke swallowed loudly this time.

 

‘’And by that I mean like playing chess or anything.’’ Clarke laughed nervously. ‘’I love chess.’’

 

I dazed at her. Sometimes my hope for her to get her own memory back was a little too big by the things she said. It made me think back to the time we were both happy with each other, which seemed impossible at the moment.

 

‘’We’ll do whatever you want.’’ I smiled through the most empty feeling inside of me.

 

\----

 

The next day I drove Clarke to Raven’s apartment after me sleeping on the couch by myself again. She lived about fifteen minutes away from me so Clarke wasn’t that far away. Still, it felt like she was leaving me forever.

 

Raven helped Clarke with carrying some of her stuff inside. When Clarke entered the apartment and started unpacking her stuff in the bedroom. Raven and I sat down on her couch.

 

‘’You’re sharing a bed?’’ I asked Raven.

 

Raven looked at me in disbelieve.

 

‘’Yes dumbass, It’s not like I have more beds in my tiny apartment.’’ She sighed. ‘’Please tell me you’re not worried about that.’’ Raven sighed annoyed.

 

‘’No! Of course I’m not. I just wanted to say one of us is lucky tonight.’’ I stared at the ground.

 

‘’Oh Jesus, Woods. Don’t get all feely and emotional now.’’ Raven put on a disgusting look. ‘’By the way, you owe me.’’ She whispered now. ‘’She wanted to move in with her mom but I proposed her to move in with me for now.’’

 

I widened my eyes. ‘’I do owe you, my god. Thank you.’’

 

Raven smiled a little.

 

‘’I’m still mad at you for fucking up.’’

 

‘’Why are you all making me feel even worse after what I did.’’ I rolled my eyes and sighed.

 

Raven laughed a little. ‘’You’re gonna be fine. She just needs some time away from you, that’s all.’’

 

I loved how Raven was always so honest. Not.

 

‘’Thanks. For being so subtle.’’

 

Raven laughed again.

 

‘’I see it as good news.’’

 

‘’How’s that good news?’’ I asked.

 

‘’Well, she obviously had a good time with you the other night.’’

 

I smiled. ‘’She meant that?’’

 

Raven laughed. ‘’You two are disgusting. Yes, she meant that. So, if she’s away from you for a little while, I can assure you she’s going to miss you.’’

 

I thought about it. ‘’Maybe you’re right.’’ I paused a little, thinking about what Raven had just said. ‘’You really think she’ll miss me?’’

 

‘’Okay Woods, get out before I kick you out.’’ Raven rolled her eyes.

 

I laughed and stood up.

 

I put my hands in my pocket. ‘’I’m just going to say goodbye to Clarke.’’ I paused before turning to Raven again. ‘’Just take good care of her.’’

 

Raven rolled her eyes again. ‘’Yeah, yeah, it’s not like you’re never gonna see her again. I’ll help.’’ Raven gave me a smug look.

 

I rolled my eyes and walked to the bedroom where Clarke was.

 

‘’Hey.’’

 

Clarke jumped and grabbed her chest.

 

‘’Woah, you scared me.’’ She laughed.

 

I laughed too. ‘’Sorry. I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m going home. Got some work to do.’’ I leaned against the door, still my hands in my pockets.

 

Clarke stood up and nodded. ‘’Okay.’’ She stood a little awkwardly so I decided to do something.

 

I walked to Clarke and opened my arms which made her laugh a bit looser now. She hugged me for a while and then took a step back and smiled at me. That beautiful smile. Those beautiful lips. Oh how much I wanted to kiss her again.

 

‘’Well, I’ll see you around. Oh and call me if you need anything.’’

 

Clarke nodded. ‘’I will.’’ She smiled one last time and I walked back to the living room where I found Raven smiling.

 

‘’Call me if you need anything, for a booty call or something.’’ Raven tried imitating my voice but was failing miserably.

 

I rolled my eyes. ‘’That’s not what I meant and stop eavesdropping us.’’

 

 ‘’Jeez, I’m kidding.’’ Raven laughed. ‘’Although your sister doesn’t have any problem with that.’’ She mumbled.

 

I turned around at the front door to face Raven. I widened my eyes. ‘’Excuse me?’’

 

‘’Bye Lexa.’’ Raven tried closing the door but I stopped her.

 

‘’You’re kidding right?’’

 

‘’When? What?’’

 

‘’Raven.’’ I raised my eyes and widened my eyes even more.

 

Raven remained silent.

 

‘’Oh my g- No, you know what? I don’t even want to know. I don’t care.’’ I closed my eyes tightly, not trying to think about Anya an Raven. Bootycalling each other. Together. I turned around and walked away, a disgusting look on my face.

 

Raven laughed. ‘’Don’t tell Anya you know now! She’s gonna kill me!’’ Raven shouted and then closed the door.

 

I was only walking faster now, trying to leave my thoughts behind.

 

\----

 

I had been filling the last couple of days with work and work and work. I was trying to abstract myself from this whole situation without touching one single beer or anything stronger than that. It was weird again without Clarke in our own home. It was quiet and I missed her already.

 

I was sleeping in my own bed again night, without Clarke. I hadn’t really slept last night actually. Just for two hours. It didn’t matter which side I slept on, I could still smell Clarke’s scent on the pillows and on the blankets. It made me feel like Clarke was a little by my side anyway.

 

This morning I texted Raven to ask her how she was doing. I hadn’t seen Clarke in almost a week because I wanted to give her space and time.

 

 

 **Me – 10:43 am** : Morning Reyes, how are you today?

 

 

 **Reyes – 10:46 am** : Morning Woods, Clarke’s fine. Wbu?

 

I laughed a bit.

 

 **Me - 10:47 am** : I asked about you, but I’m glad she’s fine.

 

 

 **Reyes – 10:47 am** : :)

 

 

 **Me – 10:49 am:** So, did you sleep well?

 

 

 **Reyes - 10:49 am:** Jesus Christ just text her instead of me.

 

I rolled my eyes.

 

 **Me – 10:50 am:** I’m truly disappointed you think I only care for Clarke and not you.

 

 

 **Reyes – 10:51 am:** Please just call her.

 

 

 **Me – 10:52 am:** No, I don’t want to look desperate.

 

 

 **Reyes – 10:52 am:** Oh Lexie, you already do.

 

I sighed deeply.

 

 **Reyes – 10:53 am:** Why don’t you just come over a little later? I’m free today and I believe Clarke is too.

 

 

 **Me – 10:54 am:** Come over to do what exactly?

 

 

 **Reyes – 10:54 am:** Really??

 

 

 **Me – 10:55 am:** You’re making me look desperate.

 

 

 **Reyes – 10:57 am:** You’re making yourself look desperate. Just come over for dinner later. I’ll ask O and the whole gang as well.

 

I thought about it for a while.

 

 **Me – 10:59 am:** Okay, will do. Thanks Raven.

 

 

 **Reyes – 11:00 am:** Ew, don’t ever call me by my first name again weirdo. See you later :) 

 

 

I laughed and put my phone away.

At least Clarke and I wouldn’t be alone with each other. That would be too awkward.

 

Later that day I went to clean the house a bit and kill some more time by cleaning some more.

 

Oh well, cleaning was a lot better than drinking. Or was it? Well, one beer couldn’t hurt, right?

 

Ten beer later I got in my car and drove to Raven. I had no idea how I got there safely and kind of on time. But I did. I wasn’t even that drunk. I’m sure a few people didn’t honk at me because of my good driving style, but whatever. I just wanted to get to Clarke as soon as I could.

 

I knocked on the front door and noticed nobody opened the door so I kept knocking. I knocked a little too hard because I could feel some pain in my knuckles and then I heard a door behind me opening and I turned around, balancing on my own feet.

 

‘’Woods, what are you doing?’’

 

I saw it was Raven and I started laughing.

 

‘’Oh my god I can’t believe you moved your apartment aaaall the way over there.’’ I said, pointing at her.

 

‘’You fucking dumbass, you’re drunk aren’t you? You were knocking on someone else’s door.’’

 

I kept laughing. ‘’No.’’

 

Raven grabbed my arm a little too tight and pushed me gently against the wall, closing her front door behind her.

 

‘’You know you can’t come in like this, right?’’

 

‘’Like what?’’ I kept laughing. ‘’I want to see Clarke.’’ I said annoyingly.

 

Raven sighed deeply.

 

‘’I hope you didn’t drive all the way over here.’’

 

I pursed my lips a moment until I bursted out in laughter.

 

Raven looked furious.

 

‘’You’re terrible, you know that? You got in a car accident a while ago but you just simply don’t give a fuck about getting into another, do you?’’

 

My smile disappeared.

 

‘’I want to see Clarke.’’

 

Raven sighed.

 

‘’You can’t see her. Not like this. You’re a mess.’’

 

‘’I’m fine.’’ I pushed Raven out of my way and started knocking on the door. Raven dragged me away from the door but then Clarke opened the door smiling wide.

 

She was wearing a blouse that showed a little bit of cleavage and some skinny jeans in which her butt looked amazing in.

 

‘’Woah, you look hot.’’ I looked at her from head to toe.

 

Clarke’s smile disappeared a little.

 

‘’Oh, um-‘’ Clarke began but got cut off by Raven.

 

‘’Okay Lexie, let’s go.’’ Raven pulled me away from walking to Clarke but I pulled my arm back and hugged Clarke tightly.

 

‘’I’ve missed you.’’

 

She put my arms around me after a while and then tried to pull back from me but I didn’t let her.

 

Raven helped her pulling away from me.

 

I smiled sheepishly at Clarke and walked in, leaving Raven no chance to pull me away.

 

I saw Octavia, Anya, Bellamy and Murphy sitting around the table and I waved at them.

 

I ran into Anya’s arms.

 

‘’Anyaaaaa you’re here too.’’ Then I immediately pulled back from her.

 

‘’Of course you’re here. Ew, stop touching me. You’ve touched Raven at places I don’t want to be. I can’t believe you’re fucking. Hey, Octavia! How’s your date? You fucked him too, right?’’

 

Everybody stayed silent and you could only hear me chuckling. Then everybody turned to Anya and Raven.

 

‘’You’re… sleeping together?’’ Clarke asked in shock.

 

‘’You slept with Lincoln?’’ Bellamy widened his eyes.

 

‘’Lex, you’re drunk.’’ Octavia said.

 

I laughed again.

 

‘’Not so much.’’

 

Raven now grabbed me away from the rest and pulled me into her bedroom and pushed me on her bed. We were followed by Clarke and she closed the door behind her.

 

‘’Clarke, you’re here! I’ve missed you.’’ I stood up again to hug her but Raven stopped me and I saw Clarke looking a little sadly.

 

‘’Leave me be with Clarke. I want to hug her. And do other things too but she doesn’t want to so I can’t. Rules are rules.’’ I said.

 

Raven sighed. ‘’I forgot how annoying you get when you’re drunk.’’

 

Clarke sat down next to me on the bed and suddenly I felt a little nervous.

 

‘’Now I’m nervous, Clarke.’’ I laughed sheepishly again.

 

Clarke grinned sadly. ‘’Lexa, I thought you weren’t supposed to drink so much anymore.’’

 

I laughed nervously. ‘’Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.’’

 

‘’This isn’t funny, Lexa. Get yourself together please.’’ Raven sounded desperate.

 

My smile disappeared. ‘’You never call me Lexa.’’

 

Raven sighed.

 

‘’Come on, I’ll take you home.’’ Raven said and wanted to pull me up.

 

‘’Wait, can I talk to her first?’’ Clarke said.

 

I gazed at Clarke.

 

‘’There’s no way you can have a normal conversation right now with her.’’

 

Clarke nodded. ‘’I know.’’

 

Raven frowned and nodded. Then she walked away.

 

‘’Now I’m really nervous again.’’ I said.

 

Clarke grinned a little.

 

‘’Are you okay?’’

 

I shook my head. ‘’Yeah.’’

 

Clarke laughed a little. ‘’Is that a yes or a no?’’

 

I shook my head again.

 

‘’You’re not okay, are you?’’

 

I shook my head, again.

 

‘’Why?’’

 

‘’I drank a little too much today.’’

 

‘’You think?’’

 

I smiled and nodded. Then my eyes dropped to her cleavage and I couldn’t help but stare.

 

I felt Clarke’s hand on my chin, pulling it up.

 

I shook my head. ‘’Oops. I’m not a gentlelady.’’

 

Clarke laughed. ‘’No, but you’re also drunk.’’

 

‘’And still I can see how beautiful you are.’’ I smiled.

 

Clarke laughed. ‘’This would be really charming if you weren’t this drunk and if you didn’t just look into my cleavage.’’

 

I nodded and smiled. ‘’Sorry.’’

 

Clarke smiled a little.

 

‘’What did you do today?’’

 

‘’I woke up. Slept two hours. I smelled your scent on my pillow. I texted Raven. I cleaned the apartment.’’

 

Clarke was trying to hold back her laughter. ‘’You remember stuff pretty well.’’

 

I nodded proudly. ‘’What did you do today?’’

 

‘’Well, I woke up without you which was pretty weird. And then Raven and I went shopping and I bought this blouse.’’

 

‘’It’s nice.’’ I tried my best to sound charming again.

 

Clark smiled widely. ‘’I already noticed you liked it. But, thanks.’’

 

I smiled.

 

‘’And well, after shopping we waited for you guys to come have dinner with us. And I was looking forward to seeing you actually.’’

 

I gazed at Clarke and felt my heart melt a little.

 

Clarke stroke my hair out of my face.

 

‘’You’ve calmed down a bit, haven’t you?’’ Clarke asked.

 

I nodded carefully, looking into her dark blue eyes.

 

‘’Good.’’ She smiled. ‘’You want to go home?’’

 

I shook my head. ‘’Can I first lay in your arms for a little tiny while?’’

 

Clarke laughed. ‘’Sure.’’

 

We laid down on the bed and I buried my head into Clarke’s neck. She held me tightly and so did I. That was right before everything went black.

 

\----

 

_‘’Lexa, you really need to stop drinking so much. It’s not the solution for everything.’’_

_‘’I know, I know.’’ I said, totally hungover._

_‘’I don’t mind taking care of you when you’re sick, but this has happened too many times now.’’_

_I nodded, feeling terribly guilty and terribly nauseous._

_‘’Look, I really like you. I just don’t think you have your stuff in order yet. You don’t want to change. Call me when you do.’’_

_Clarke stood up and left the apartment, leaving me feeling even more terrible than I already did._

_Clarke was right, I couldn’t keep drinking my problems away. I had already lost too much because of this problem. I wasn’t going to let Clarke slip away from me either._

_I sighed and grabbed my phone. I searched Clarke’s number and called it._

_‘’Lexa?’’ She picked up the phone._

_‘’Yeah. I’m ready.’’_

_Clarke scoffed._

_‘’I mean it. You’re right, this is a problem and I can’t live like this any longer. Especially not if that means I’ll lose you.’’_

_I didn’t hear anything for a while._

_‘’Clarke?’’_

_‘’I’m here.’’ I could hear she was smiling._

_‘’I hope you mean it.’’_

_I smiled. ‘’I do. You’ll see.’’_

_\----_

 

I slowly opened my eyes and noticed I was in a different place. I looked around me and saw I was laying on a couch, in another place. Then I grabbed my head with both hands, it hurt a little. I almost forgot how not great this felt.

                                                                                                                                         

‘’Morning sunshine.’’ I saw Clarke coming towards me.

 

Suddenly I remembered where I was and a little bit what I did last night.

 

‘’Shit.’’ I groaned and laid back on the couch again.

 

Clarke sat down next to me on the couch and handed me eggs and bacon.

 

‘’Oh my god I’m going to puke.’’ I said.

 

Clarke laughed. ‘’I know I’m not a great cook, but I thought I did a pretty good job here.’’

 

I laughed a little. ‘’I bet it’s great. Just not right now for me.’’

 

‘’Alright well, have some water and an aspirin.’’

 

‘’Thanks.’’ I said and took the aspirin. I wasn’t too hungover. I just didn’t feel that great.

 

Clarke stayed with me in silence for a while.

 

‘’Clarke?’’

 

‘’Lexa.’’

 

‘’I’m sorry about last night. I can’t remember every single thing but I remember being a dick. Especially to you.’’ I said embarrassed.

 

Clarke smiled. ‘’You weren’t that bad. You were actually kind of sweet and nice to me. At least, if we don’t count you staring at everything except for my eyes.’’ She laughed a little.

 

I squeezed my eyes. ‘’Oh my god.’’ I breathed out. ‘’Clarke, I’m so sorry.’’ Suddenly I remembered what she was talking about. I disrespected her.

 

‘’I wish you hadn’t seen me like that.’’

 

Clarke looked me in the eyes. ‘’Really, it wasn’t that bad for me. It was way worse for yourself. And for Octavia, Raven and Anya.’’

 

‘’Oh no.’’

 

‘’Oh yes.’’ Clarke nodded.

 

‘’What did I say?’’ I closed my eyes, scared of what she was about to say.

 

She paused for a little while.

 

‘’Your sister and my best friend are screwing each other. Which is disgusting by the way.’’

 

‘’Oh no. I did not say that.’’

 

Clarke laughed a little. ‘’Unfortunately, you did.’’

 

I sighed again.

 

‘’Please, I don’t want any images of them in my head.’’ I said.

 

Clarke laughed and agreed.

 

‘’Speaking of Raven, where is she?’’

 

‘’She’s at work.’’

 

‘’Oh right. Well, as soon as I’m feeling better I’ll go home.’’

 

Clarke laughed at me. ‘’Yeah, right. I don’t think so. You’re not driving any time soon today.’’

 

Maybe Clarke was right and I should wait for Raven, but I didn’t really want to see her after last night. She would probably punch me right in the face.

 

‘’If I’m feeling better, I’m going home.’’ I repeated.

 

‘’Only if you’re feeling better and when Raven’s home.’’ Clarke agreed.

 

‘’You don’t have to take care of me. I don’t deserve that.’’

 

Clarke scoffed. ‘’You took care of me too when I didn’t deserve it. Now we’re kind of even.’’ She said with a smile.

 

I smiled back and laid my head back into my pillow for a while.

 

‘’How was Bellamy doing?’’

 

‘’Fine I think. Why?’’

 

‘’No reason. I haven’t seen him in a long time.’’

 

‘’Lexa?’’ Clarke warned me.

 

I sighed. I was not in the mood for arguing. ‘’He once had this crush on you. Then he claimed I took you away from him.’’

 

Clarke widened her eyes. ‘’He did? We dated?’’

 

‘’God no. You were too busy dating me.’’

 

Clarke burst out into laughter. ‘’Oh I see how it is.’’

 

I laughed too now and sat up a little straight.

 

‘’That’s why he was so extremely nice to me last night.’’

 

I widened my eyes but tried to play it cool.

 

‘’That’s cool.’’ I smiled not genuinely.

 

‘’Is it?’’ Clarke raised her eyebrows.

 

I nodded with difficulty and then Clarke laughed.

 

‘’Well, it’s not like I could ever see myself with him.’’

 

I nodded and tried to hold back my wide smile.

 

We remained silent for a while.

 

‘’I’m really scared for the answer but, what’s the worst thing I’ve said to you last night? I want to know what level douchebag I was.’’

 

Clarke chuckled. ‘’Um.’’ She kept thinking for a very long time.

 

‘’Was it that bad? Is there more than one terrible thing I’ve said?’’

 

Clarke smiled. ‘’Lexa, you really weren’t that bad. You called me hot when you first saw me. And when you stared into my cleavage, which was kind of my fault, you said ‘Sorry, I’m not being a gentlelady’.’’

 

I snorted. I thought I could die from embarrassment. ‘’It’s still bad. Please know I wasn’t really myself last night.’’

 

Clarke nodded.

 

‘’Lexa? Why did you even get drunk in the first place?’’

 

I locked our eyes and shrugged my shoulders. Because I was trying to abstract myself from this whole situation? From you? I couldn’t say that.

 

‘’I wanted to grab myself one beer. Only one. But since I used to be kind of addicted to alcohol I couldn’t resist grabbing 9 more. I used to like drinking my problems away.’’

 

Clarke’s eyes widened. ‘’But you’ve never been drunk after we dated. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.’’

 

I nodded. ‘’I know.’’

 

‘’That means that because we’re not dating, you’re going to get drunk more often?’’ Clarke asked frowning.

 

‘’Well, no. That’s not my intention. I just slipped last night. I slept terribly, my job was stressing me out and stuff. But it won’t happen again.’’

 

 ‘’Lexa, don’t do this for me. Do it for yourself.’’

 

I nodded. ‘’I will. I always have. You just gave me the little push I needed, like now.’’ I grinned.

 

Clarke nodded and grinned too.

 

‘’I don’t know if you remember what I told you last night, but I really meant it. I was looking forward to seeing you yesterday.’’

 

I smiled. Hell yes I remembered that.

 

‘’Me too. ‘’Sorry I got drunk.’’

 

Clarke smiled back. ‘’It’s okay. At least you’re sober here now.'' She paused a while. ''It’s been a little weird without you actually. I just have to get used to not seeing you so often anymore. But I don’t really know if I want to get used to it.’’ Clarke said softly.

 

I gazed at her and shook my head a little.

 

‘’Really?’’ I smiled a little shyly which I never did.

 

Clarke laughed. ‘’Yeah, Raven’s not so cuddly at night or at any other time of the day.’’

 

I laughed too. ‘’Oh I know.’’

 

We both just looked at each other for a while.

 

‘’So, would it be okay if I would ask you to watch a movie at the apartment with me one day?’’

 

Clarke smiled widely. ‘’Yes, that would be okay.’’

 

I smiled back. This was not what I expected but I wasn’t complaining.

 

There was a comfortable silence between us until we both heard a hasty knock on the door. Clarke frowned and stood up.

 

She didn’t expect anyone, but when she opened the door I could see her jump a little bit. Of course. I should’ve seen it coming. Abby.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

''Mom?'' 

 

 

Abby stormed in, pushing Clarke out of her way. She rushed to me on the couch. I sat up straight which made me feel a little nauseous.

 

 

Abby stopped right in front of me, pointing at my chest with her finger. ''You. You did this.'' 

 

 

I looked down to her finger that was touching me right now and frowned.

 

 

''What?'' I asked sheepishly.

 

 

''You told her to move in with Raven instead of with me.'' Abby was shouting now and I couldn't help but squeeze my eyes. She was giving me a headache already.

 

 

Clarke walked towards Abby.

 

 

''That's not true. I made that choice myself.'' She said before I could say something.

 

 

Abby widened her eyes.

 

 

''Besides, how did you even know I moved in with Raven?'' Clarke frowned very confusingly.

 

 

Abby didn't know what to say for a while. 

 

 

''You didn't want to stay with Lexa anymore so you moved out.'' Abby finally said.

 

 

''Mom, how did you know was staying here?''

 

 

Abby widened her eyes now and then turned to me.

 

 

''You look like shit.'' 

 

 

''Gee, thanks Abby.'' I said sarcastically. I could handle it. She was probably right, too.

 

 

''Why are you here, Lexa?'' She then turned to Clarke. ''You shouldn't even be talking to a junkie, Clarke.''  

 

 

''You're avoiding my question, mom.'' Clarke frowned again.

 

 

''I just knew.'' She said nervously.

 

 

Clarke stayed silent for a while.

 

 

''You want to know why I didn't move in with you? Because you stalk me.''

 

 

Abby scoffed. 

 

 

''And you want Finn to be with me.''

 

 

''That's-'' Abby began but Clarke cut her off.

 

 

''That's why he came by last week, right?''

 

 

Abby stared at Clarke and so did I. This was news to me and I did not like it one freaking bit.

 

 

''I don't know what you're talking about.''

 

 

''Yes you do. You already knew he came by because you sent him. He's been keeping an eye on me all this time, hasn't he?'' Clarke raised her voice.

 

 

''Honey-''

 

 

''Then you probably already knew that we kind of talked things out?''

 

 

Abby looked guilty as hell. Of course she knew. This crazy-

 

 

''Then he wanted me to come to his house. But I turned him down. Again. You don't realize I'm scared of him. You only think about yourself.'' Clarke said.

 

 

''Sweetie-''

 

 

''Get out.''

 

 

Abby stayed silent and then turned to me.

 

 

''If you touch my daughter I swear I'll kill you.''

 

 

''Get. Out.'' Clarke repeated but much angrier right now, pointing at the door.

 

 

Abby somehow obeyed and walked out of the apartment without saying a single word. We both watched her leave in silence.

 

 

Then Clarke turned to me and slowly walked towards me. I watched Clarke as she sat down next to me. She carefully grabbed my hand and caressed it. I gazed at her in silence, feeling a little better with her soft touches. But I could see Clarke wasn't feeling better at all and that affected my mood too.

 

 

''You want to talk to me about it?'' I carefully asked.

 

 

Clarke shook her head, still caressing my hand.

 

 

I sighed softly and grabbed the hand she was caressing me with.

 

 

''You know you can talk to me about anything, right?'' 

 

 

Clarke locked our eyes and nodded.

 

 

''I know.'' She had a look on her face and I couldn't decide whether it was sadness or if she looked afraid.

 

 

Clarke started caressing my hand again, looking at it.

 

 

''I won't let him hurt you. We won't let him hurt you.'' I said.

 

 

Clarke looked up at me and gave me a little grin. She nodded again and cleared her throat and before I knew it she leaned into my body, her head in my neck and our hands in her lap. Butterflies filled my stomach and I placed my other arm on her waist and held her tightly, my other hand still being caressed by Clarke's.

 

 

She let out a deep sigh and a comfortable silence filled the room. I circled Clarke's waist with my thumb. I couldn't believe I went through more than a whole week without seeing her. It reminded me of the business trips I sometimes had to take and we couldn't see each other for a week or two because I was in another city. Travelling wasn't the most fun thing about my job.

 

 

''I've missed you.''

 

 

I wasn't sure if I heard it well because Clarke just mumbled.

 

 

''What was that?'' I asked polite.

 

 

Clarke chuckled and rested her head on my shoulder now. The first time she genuinely let out a laugh today and that made me smile too.

 

 

''You just want me to say it again.'' Clarke smiled.

 

 

I laughed. ''Maybe.'' I was holding myself back from not kissing her. Through all the nauseous feeling she was the one who could make me feel a little better again. I've missed seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. I've missed her clumsiness. I’ve missed her voice. I've missed everything about her.

 

 

''I've missed you, too.'' Was the only thing I said.

 

 

Clarke let out a little chuckle and placed her head in my neck again.

 

 

‘’So… About that movie night.’’ I spoke after a while.

 

 

‘’Hm?’’

 

 

‘’When do have time?’’

 

 

‘’I don’t know. Whenever you’ve got time.’’

 

 

I laughed. ‘’Clarke, I’m not always busy.’’

 

 

Clarke laughed a bit too. ‘’I know. I just don’t want to bother you.’’

 

 

I really, really hated it when she told me stuff like this. When we were together before the accident, she didn’t care about bothering me. She didn’t care if she would be 24/ 7 or more with me or on me or whatever.

 

 

‘’You can bother me any time.’’

 

 

It stayed silent for a while before Clarke let out a chuckle.

 

 

‘’Okay well, when would I be able to bother you the most?’’

 

 

I laughed. ‘’How about tomorrow?’’

 

 

‘’Tomorrow is a deal.’’ Clarke smiled and nuzzled more into me.

 

 

A little later I almost fell asleep again with Clarke like this in my arms but then Raven walked in. Clarke jumped and broke our contact.

 

 

Raven slammed the door and watched us sitting on the couch.

 

 

 

‘’Woods.’’

 

 

I cleared my throat. ‘’Reyes.’’

 

 

‘’I want to talk.’’

 

 

I nodded. ‘’Sure.’’

 

I stood up and walked to the hallway with her. I had to admit that I was kind of afraid of her at the moment. Before I closed the door behind me Raven hugged me. I was so confused and overwhelmed that it took me a moment to hug her back.

 

 

‘’You okay?’’ I asked and then she broke the contact.

 

‘’I should slap you instead for getting drunk and driving and getting yourself in danger.’’

 

I gave her a smile.

 

‘’Don’t you fucking smile at me Woods. I’m still mad at you.’’

 

‘’I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to make you angry or anything.’’

 

‘’Angry? I’m furious.’’

 

‘’Yeah yeah, I get it.’’

 

Raven sighed. ‘’You don’t. I’m just worried about you. I don’t want to lose you, Lexa.’’

 

I widened my eyes. ‘’Did you just call me by my first name?’’

 

Raven rolled her eyes and smiled a little. ‘’Scary huh?’’

 

I laughed too now. ‘’I didn’t know you could be so sentimental.’’

 

Raven punched my arm. ‘’I’m serious. Don’t leave us worried out there.’’

 

I didn’t know why, but I hugged her again. Raven never said anything like this to me.

 

‘’I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.’’

 

After a tight hug she let me go.

 

‘’Alright alright, enough emotional crap for the day.’’ Raven said.

 

I laughed but stopped laughing when she punched my arm again.

 

‘’Ow, you couldn’t leave it, could you.’’

 

‘’That’s for telling everyone about me and Anya.’’

 

I widened my eyes. ‘’Oh god right. Sorry about that.’’

 

Raven shrugged her shoulders and laughed.

 

‘’Oh well, at least we don’t have to tell you guys now.’’

 

‘’Were you planning on telling us?’’

 

Raven shrugged her shoulders again.

 

‘’Are you two- Is there more than just… You know? Do you have like feelings for each other?’’ I frowned.

 

Raven smiled and opened the door, walking back to Clarke. I stood there speechless before walking after her.

 

‘’Does Anya know?’’ I asked.

 

‘’What does Anya know?’’ Clarke asked.

 

‘’Nothing.’’ Raven answered.

 

‘’Oh my god Reyes. Are you two together?’’ I shouted.

 

‘’Oh my god are you?’’ Clarke asked.

 

‘’Shhh, jeez stop shouting you two.’’

 

We remained silent for a while.

 

‘’Raven??’’ Clarke shouted impatiently.

 

‘’No, no, we’re not. Yet.’’

 

‘’Oh my god what is happening.’’ I widened my eyes.

 

‘’What’s that supposed to mean?’’ Clarke asked Raven.

 

‘’It means, Clarke, that I need to be brave and tell her I want to be more than just friends with great benefits.’’

 

Clarke’s jaw and mine dropped. Clarke was smiling nonstop.

 

‘’Raven, that’s so great!’’ Clarke said.

 

‘’Wait, wait. You, Raven Reyes, want to be in a relationship?’’ I asked frowning.

 

Raven rolled her eyes.

 

‘’With my sister?’’ I continued.

 

‘’Oh I’m sorry, is that a problem?’’ Raven scoffed. ‘’It’s not like you weren’t screwing my best friend and got together with her.’’

 

I widened my eyes and saw Clarke looking away.

 

Raven exchanged looks from Clarke to me.

 

‘’Oh come on Clarke, it’s no secret anymore that you two were together.’’

 

Clarke laughed nervously.

 

‘’You don’t need to rub it in her face.’’ I said. Sometimes Raven needed to think before speaking.

 

Raven rolled her eyes again and sat down on the couch.

 

‘’I’m just- I just need to get used to the idea alright?’’ I said while sitting down next to her. Clarke followed my lead.

 

Raven scoffed.

 

‘’She probably doesn’t even feel the same for me.’’

 

Never in my life have I ever seen Raven being so… soft? Full of emotions? I didn’t even know she had feelings.

 

‘’You don’t know that.’’ Clarke began. ‘’Do you notice somehow she wants more than… whatever you’re doing at the moment?’’

 

‘’Not really.’’

 

‘’Maybe you should ask her out on a date.’’ Clarke proposed.

 

‘’Umm, no? That’s anything but subtle.’’

 

We all thought for a while before Clarke broke the silence.

 

‘’What if you come watch a movie with Lexa and me tomorrow evening? We were planning on doing that anyway. You don’t mind Lex, do you?’’

 

Well, I couldn’t really say that I minded. As long as Clarke was going to be there too.

 

‘’No, of course not.’’

 

Clarke smiled at me.

 

‘’Maybe that could work. Hey, what if Octavia and Lincoln join us too?’’ Raven asked.

 

I widened my eyes and saw Clarke did the same.

 

‘’Maybe not.’’ Raven said disappointed.

 

‘’No, no, we could ask them too, right Lex?’’

 

Again, I didn’t mind. We just hadn’t met Lincoln before and it could get a little awkward between all the couples.

 

‘’Yeah, of course. I’ll text Octavia, you text Anya.’’ I said.

 

Raven nodded.

 

‘’Oh and Raven?’’

 

‘’Yeah?’’

 

‘’Please don’t do anything we don’t want to see.’’

 

Raven smiled. ‘’I mean, your sister’s hot. I don’t know if-‘’

 

‘’Alright! I’ve heard enough. I really want to go home now.’’ I said which made Clarke and Raven laugh.

 

‘’Come on, I’ll take you.’’ Raven said.

 

\----

 

_‘’That bitch needs to back the fuck off.’’_

_‘’Clarke, relax. It’s not like she’s done anything wrong.’’_

_‘’Oh really? Asking you out is not doing anything wrong? Visiting you when I’m not home is not wrong?’’_

_I sighed. ‘’I refused. I told her to go home again.’’_

_‘’She knows you and I are together. And yet, she comes here in the evening to be alone with you. God, out of all the people, she gets to be our neighbor. How great. Yay me.’’ She was mad, I could hear it in the tone of her voice._

_I sighed again and watched Clarke change into her pajamas. Then she crawled into bed and I faced her back. I moved in closer to her and laid my arm on her waist._

_‘’I already took care of it, don’t worry so much.’’_

_Clarke scoffed and moved away from me._

_I rolled my eyes and moved in closer again, this time I nuzzled into her neck and laid my hand on her waist again._

_‘’Clarke, we’ve been here for just one week. You want to argue about this for forever?’’_

_Clarke sighed out of frustration. ‘’I’m gonna hunt that bitch down if she touches you.’’_

_I placed a kiss on Clarke’s neck._

_‘’I think I can handle her.’’_

_Clarke hummed. ‘’Hm.’’_

_I placed another kiss on her neck, this time my lips lingered around a little longer._

_‘’Please don’t worry about it. I made her perfectly clear that I’m taken.’’_

_‘’You bet your ass you are.’’_

_I laughed and kissed her neck again after stroking her hair away. For some reason I loved this protective part about Clarke._

_‘’Don’t think you can distract me from my angry thoughts by kissing me there.’’_

_I laughed again. I was definitely trying to distract her from her angry thoughts by kissing her there. ‘’Don’t be angry. You’re much more beautiful when you smile.’’ I said in between kisses._

_I could tell it was working because Clarke tilted her head a little to give me more access to her neck. I moved in even closer and grabbed the opportunity to kiss her neck everywhere, slowly moving my hand lower below her stomach._

_Then she turned around to face me. She let out a soft sigh and cupped my cheek. She gave me a quick peck on my lips and then nuzzled into my chest._

_‘’Sorry babe, I’m not really in the mood tonight. I’m exhausted.’’ She mumbled and I felt her warm breath against my chest._

_‘’That’s okay.’’ I placed a kiss on her head. I didn’t mind, I was already glad I had distracted her and made her nuzzle into me._

_Then Clarke faced me again and gasped. ‘’Or, let’s do it as loud as we can. Let’s make our favorite neighbor a little jealous.’’_

_I burst out into laughter and saw Clarke smiling._

_‘’You’re crazy, you know that?’’_

_Clarke laughed and nuzzled back into my neck, her hand resting on my chest._

_‘’You love it.’’_

_‘’You’re crazy.’’ I smiled._

_Clarke let out a little chuckle. Then she let out a happy sigh. ‘’Night babe.’’_

_‘’Goodnight, my love.’’ I whispered through my smile._

 

\----

 

‘’I’m not a fan of horror movies.’’ Clarke said. ‘’Let’s watch something else.’’

 

‘’No, no, just hide behind Lexa. We all love horror.’’ Raven said while putting an arm around Anya. Anya seemed pretty okay with it as she leaned against Raven’s shoulder.

 

‘’Sorry Clarke, we win.’’ Octavia said, laying in Lincoln’s arms. He was a pretty cool guy. He was alright.

 

Only Clarke and I weren’t cuddling at the moment which made me feel a little jealous at the rest who was cuddling.

 

Clarke let out a deep sigh. ‘’Alright then. This shows how much I love you guys, because I really don’t like horror.’’

 

We all laughed. ‘’Well, that definitely hasn’t changed.’’

 

Clarke laughed and I stood up to put on the movie.

 

‘’Has anybody else seen this movie? Or is it just me?’’ Lincoln asked.

 

‘’You’ve already seen this one?’’ Octavia asked disappointed.

 

‘’Yeah, but that’s okay. I’m here with you.’’ He smiled and leaned in to kiss Octavia.

 

‘’Gross.’’ Raven shouted.

 

‘’Shh, the movie is starting.’’ Anya whispered.

 

The moment I sat down next to Clarke on the couch again and the movie started to play, she moved in closer to me and I took my chance to lay my arm around her waist. She rested her head on my shoulder and I leaned my head against hers.

 

‘’Is it okay if I don’t watch when something scary comes on?’’ Clarke whispered.

 

I laughed. ‘’Of course.’’ I whispered back.

 

We were all very focused on the movie. I could tell because nobody was talking through it. Apparently the movie was scary enough already. I felt Clarke flinch a little at scary moments and just a minute ago she even grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers.

 

Every time something scary was about to come, she squeezed my hand which was followed by a cute little gasp out of her mouth. She moved in closer to me every time as well. I didn’t really believe she was this scared of horror. Yes, she never really liked it but she could handle it pretty well. Maybe she just wanted to have an excuse to be close to me. Or maybe she had really changed. I could never know.

 

At almost the end of the movie my concentration got disturbed by some sort of soft smacking sounds and heavy breathing on my left and my right. I looked to both sides and so did Clarke. Oh god, there it was. Kissing couples everywhere.

 

It felt more than awkward. I felt like a teenager at a party again. I was too afraid to look at Clarke but I could feel her glaring at me so I slowly turned to her to face her. She was smiling at me.

 

‘’You think Anya has feelings for Raven?’’ She whispered.

 

I grinned. ‘’I think that’s pretty clear.’’

 

Clarke laughed a little. I had no idea what to do really. Of course I wanted to kiss her and I probably could because our faces were so close to one another, but I didn’t feel confident enough to do it.

 

‘’So it’s clear because she’s kissing her?’’ Clarke whispered a little dubious.

 

I nodded. ‘’Yeah, I guess. Otherwise she wouldn’t be kiss-‘’

 

Clarke interrupted me by bringing her lips to mine. Not that I was complaining, it was just the thing I least expected her to do.

 

She started moving her lips against mine, kissing me gently and she brought her hand to my cheek. The kiss was sweet and amazing as always and all the waiting from the last two weeks were more than worth it.

 

Clarke moved closer to me without parting our lips and climbed half on my lap. She hold on to my neck and my heart was racing by now, but I didn’t care. I wanted her to continue what she was doing.

 

I grabbed her waist to pull her closer to me and that’s the moment I connected our tongues. I wanted more, but my hands never went below her waist. The way Clarke put her arms around me was a feeling I couldn’t explain in words. It just felt like coming home again.

 

After a few minutes which felt like hours we heard giggling and whistling around us. We were so focused on each other that we hadn’t noticed everybody was looking at us.

 

We immediately broke the kiss and Clarke climbed off my lap, nuzzling her head into my neck so she could hide her face from the rest. I could tell she was feeling a little embarrassed.

 

I laughed silently and saw Raven mouthing ‘you go Woods’. I rolled my eyes and placed my hand on the back of Clarke’s head.

 

‘’I thought you guys were busy.’’ I said slightly annoyed.

 

Clarke showed her face to the rest and laughed, just like everyone else.

 

‘’The movie was great.’’ Octavia said.

 

‘’Yeah, I bet.’’ Raven answered.

 

‘’Hey, Lexa and I were probably the only ones who saw most of the movie.’’

 

‘’Not true.’’ Lincoln protested.

 

We laughed.

 

‘’That’s not fair, you’d already seen it.’’ Clarke said.

 

Lincoln laughed and nodded.

 

‘’Alright well, it’s getting late. I should go.’’ Anya said rushed.

 

‘’I’ll walk with you.’’ Raven answered.

 

Clarke looked into my eyes and then stared at my lips.

 

‘’Yeah, us too.’’ Octavia said and stood up.

 

I broke our eye contact and stood up to wish them goodnight.

 

Octavia hugged us goodbye and left with Lincoln. When they opened the front door we could see Anya and Raven being all over each other in the hallway but they didn’t seemed to mind they had an audience.

 

Clarke didn’t know how fast she wanted to close the door.

 

‘’I’m still trying to get used to it.’’ Clarke laughed, leaning against the door. ‘’But they’re cute.’’

 

‘’Same.’’ I laughed. ‘’Yeah, weirdly enough they are. I mean, if their happy, I’m happy for them too.’’ I put my hands in my pockets.

 

Clarke walked slowly towards me, smiling. My heart beating faster with every step she took. She placed her hands on my waist under my jacket and moved her hands to my back, tangling her fingers together. She rested her head on my chest and I embraced her. We held each other tight for a while. I didn’t hold her too tight, fearing she would let go of me.

 

‘’I’m killing time here because I don’t want to walk in on Raven and Anya again.’’ Clarke said.

 

I laughed. ‘’What a good way to be killing time then.’’

 

Clarke laughed too and looked up at me, locking our eyes. I couldn’t fight the urge to kiss her again and within a second we continued where we left off a few minutes ago, only kissing each other softly and a little lazy this time. This slow pace was driving me crazy, but I loved it. It gave me a chance to taste every single spot of her lips and I took my time to let her linger around my lips to taste mine.

 

The only sound that was filling the room was the sound of Clarke’s sweet lips against mine. I grabbed her neck and pulled her closer into me. I didn’t really mean to, it was a natural movement but Clarke didn’t seem to mind and panted. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. I still couldn’t believe she let me kiss her and touch her like this. I still never held her too tight though.

 

Then we heard a knock on the door and we both jumped a little. Clarke slowly parted our lips but I could still feel her heavy breathing against my mouth. She was smiling, too. Then she let go off me and opened the door.

 

‘’Are you coming or what?’’ Raven asked.

 

‘’Excuse me but I had to wait for you.’’ Clarke laughed.

 

‘’Yeah well I’m here now. So, let’s go.’’

 

I saw Clarke nodding and then she turned around to face me.

 

She took a step forward and grabbed my collar with both hands. She connected our lips again, only this time way shorter because we heard Raven clear her throat.

 

‘’Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t need to see this.’’

 

Clarke and I laughed. ‘’Well, that’s pay back then, because we didn’t want to see you being all over Anya’s mouth.’’ Clarke said.

 

Raven rolled her eyes. ‘’Fine. Can we go now?’’

 

‘’Yes.’’ Clarke answered.

 

She gave me one last quick peck on my lips and I could feel she was smiling.

 

‘’Night, Lexa.’’

 

I had the biggest smile on my face. ‘’Goodnight, Clarke.’’

 

 ‘’Yeah, night Woods. Great that you still act like I’m here.’’ She said sarcastically.

 

I laughed and watched them leave. Clarke turned around one last time and waved me goodbye when they got in the elevator. I was still trying to calm my heartbeat down from the moment she kissed me tonight.

 

I walked back to my apartment and laid down in bed for a while. Processing the whole night. My lips still trembling a bit from the kiss Clarke and I shared. Tonight, she gave me more than I could ever wished for. And I? I didn’t say one certain awkward thing again.

 

\----

 

**_Clarke – 11:15 pm:_ ** _Hey babe, I’m just about to head home from the studio and go to bed. Promise you’ll rest a bit. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you again in four days! Love you._

_I saw my phone light up while I sat down on the couch and smiled at what Clarke had just texted me. I’d been gone for almost three weeks to LA because of my job and I hadn’t seen Clarke in all this time. She thought I was still in LA but I really just arrived home three hours ago to surprise her._

**_Me – 11:17 pm:_ ** _Hey baby. Alright, you get some rest too. Goodnight. I love you._

_Now it was just a matter of time for Clarke to come home. I had bought her flowers on the way home because she loved flowers. And I loved seeing her happy._

_I put on the TV, almost falling asleep until I heard Clarke coming in._

_She turned on the lights and gasped sharply when she saw me, reaching for her chest with her hand. I stood up and walked to her, the flowers in my hand._

_‘’Hey beautiful.’’ I smiled._

_‘’Oh my god you asshole.’’ Clarke laughed and ran towards me to jump into my arms. She almost threw me off balance when she jumped but I held her tight and so did she. She kept laughing into my ear and then pulled back and kissed me deeply. We both smiled through the kiss and I walked to the dresser to place her there. I let her go and put the flowers in front of my face, smiling behind it. Clarke was still smiling ear to ear._

_‘’What is this?’’ She asked high pitched and took the flowers from me._

_‘’For you.’’ I grinned._

_She gasped again. ‘’These are beautiful. Thank you.’’ She leaned in to kiss me again._

_‘’You’re-‘’ Kiss. ‘’Very-‘’ Kiss. ‘’Welcome.’’ Kiss._

_Clarke smiled and put the flowers next to her so she could place her arms around my neck and caressed me. I held her waist with one hand and stroke her hair away from her face with the other._

_‘’I’ve missed you so much.’’ Clarke pulled me in for a hug. She rested her chin on my shoulder after kissing my cheek._

_‘’I’ve missed you too.’’ I whispered._

_‘’Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’’_

_‘’I wanted to surprise you.’’_

_Clarke pulled away from the hug and smiled, looking at me. She hungrily connected our lips again and kissed me everywhere she could. The warm and soft touch of her lips running over my skin. I grabbed her legs and pulled her up, walking to the bedroom._

_Clarke started laughing, breaking the kiss._

_‘’What?’’ I asked out of breath, still her in my arms._

_‘’Nothing.’’ She kissed me again._

_I laid down on our bed and continued the making out there, kissing her neck, her lips, her chest, until she started laughing again._

_Her Laugh was contagious so I started laughing too._

_‘’Clarke, what is it?’’ I said hanging above her._

_Clarke placed her hands on her mouth as if she was holding back a secret._

_‘’Clarke?’’ I asked again._

_‘’Does it bother you that I got my period yesterday?’’ She chuckled._

_I started laughing too now and climbed off of her._

_‘’Oh my god, great timing mother nature.’’ I shouted, laughing._

_Clarke laughed too._

_I nuzzled into her. ‘’Well, cuddling it is.’’_

_Clarke chuckled and started kissing me again. She climbed on top of me._

_‘’You’re not on your period, are you?’’_

_I shook my head._

_Then Clarke smiled in the most sexy way possible. ‘’I guess one of us is getting lucky tonight then.’’_

 

\----

 

 **Clarke – 11:52 am:** Hey stranger :)

 

 **Me – 11:55 am:** A very good morning

 

 **Clarke – 11:57 am:** I just wanted to say I had fun last night

 

 **Me – 11:59 am:** I’m glad. So did I

 

 **Clarke – 11:59 am:** :)

 

 **Clarke – 12:01 pm:** Maybe we could do this again sometime? Without the gang?

 

 **Me – 12:02 pm:** I would really like that :)

 

 **Clarke – 12:04 pm:** Then we have a deal. Maybe we could chill tonight at the lake? Or is that too soon?

 

 **Me – 12:05 pm:** It’s never too soon to see you. I’ll pick you up tonight

 

 **Clarke – 12:06 pm:** Can’t wait!

 

I put my phone away and was smiling even wider than last night.

 

I let out a happy sigh. Nothing could take last night away from me.

 

I decided to call Anya because I needed to talk to her.

 

‘’Lexa?’’

 

‘’Hey, what are you doing?’’

 

‘’Not much. You?’’

 

‘’Same.’’

 

‘’Are you calling because I owe you an explanation?’’

 

I smiled. ‘’You know me too well.’’

 

I heard Anya sigh. ‘’What do you want to know?’’

 

‘’Are you and Raven together?’’

 

Anya burst out into laughter. ‘’God no. We just have sex. No strings attached.’’

 

Suddenly my mood changed. I felt terrible.

 

‘’Are you sure? It sure looked like you were a couple yesterday.’’

 

‘’Yeah, now that you guys know I can touch her in public. I like kissing her. But that’s it.’’

 

‘’But Raven’s great.’’

 

‘’Lexa, why are you trying to convince me?’’

 

‘’Because. I could totally see you guys together.’’

 

Anya scoffed. ‘’Are we talking about the same Raven? Because the Raven I know is terrible at relationships. I’m pretty sure she’s only had fuckbuddies before.’’

 

I sighed. ‘’Is that what you’re worried about? Because you could try and-‘’

 

‘’Lexa, no. Just leave it, okay? I’m good.’’

 

I nodded but then realized she couldn’t see me because we were talking on the phone.

 

‘’Okay. Whatever you want.’’

 

‘’What about you and Clarke? I was disgustingly excited that you were making out again.’’

 

I laughed. ‘’Yeah, I guess it’s going pretty well. I’m seeing her today again.’’

 

‘’Well that’s good. I’m really happy for you. I’m guessing she forgave you for saying you loved her?’’

 

‘’Yeah, I think so. It seems so.’’

 

‘’Alright kid, well, I’m happy for you. But I gotta go now. Raven’s coming over in a minute.’’

 

My jaw dropped. ‘’You are unbelievable.’’

 

Anya laughed. ‘’See ya later.’’

 

We hung up the phone. I felt really confused and bad for Raven. I needed to talk to her tonight.

 

Later after dinner I went to pick up Clarke to go to the lake together. Lately it felt like falling in love with her all over again. It was like she was the same old Clarke, but then again she wasn’t. Anyway, I was still crazy about her.

 

Raven let me into her apartment and made me sit down on the couch till Clarke was ready changing into some clothes. Raven joined me on the couch.

 

I stared at her.

 

‘’What?’’ She asked.

 

‘’Did you tell Anya about your feelings for her?’’

 

‘’Wow not so subtle anymore, are you.’’

 

I shook my head.

 

‘’No. I didn’t. Why?’’

 

 I shrugged my shoulders. ‘’Maybe you should.’’

 

‘’I don’t know, should I? I don’t wanna lose what we have now.’’

 

‘’Raven, you can’t ignore your feelings forever.’’

 

Raven let out a deep sigh. ‘’I know, I know. It’s just… scary.’’

 

I grinned. ‘’I know. But it might be worth it.’’ I knew Anya had some feelings for her too. She only thought Raven didn’t feel the same way.

 

Raven sighed. ‘’We’ll see. Clarke, you ready?’’ She shouted.

 

At this moment Clarke came out of the bedroom, fully dressed. She was wearing some high waist jeans and a tank top with a jacket and some black heels.

 

‘’Woods, you’re drooling.’’ Raven said while closing my jaw with her hand. I didn’t even notice it had dropped.

 

I slammed Raven’s hand away and stood up.

 

‘’Not true. But you do look pretty.’’ I told Clarke.

 

She laughed shyly. ‘’Thanks. You too.’’

 

I smiled and went in for a hug and then she kissed my cheek. There were the butterflies again.

 

‘’Please just go, you two disgusting, lovely people.’’

 

We both laughed at Raven’s joke. Then I grabbed Clarke’s hand and lead her to the car.

 

‘’Bye Raven.’’ Clarke said and closed the door.

 

‘’Have fun.’’ We heard Raven shout.

 

I drove to the lake in silence. It was a nervous but comfortable silence. The moment we got out and sat down by the lake Clarke started talking first.

 

‘’Did you know Raven didn’t tell Anya?’’

 

I gasped as I sat down next to Clarke.

 

‘’I’ve heard. I talked to Anya on the phone today. She’s denying her feelings for Raven because she’s afraid Raven will screw up their relationship.’’

 

Clarke rolled her eyes and rested her head on my shoulder.

 

‘’What a mess.’’

 

I nodded. ‘’I really hope some of them tells each other.’’

 

‘’It’s going to be Raven who tells Anya first.’’ Clarke said.

 

‘’No way. I know Anya, she’s going to be the first one to tell her.’’

 

Clarke lifted her head from my shoulder and looked at me.

 

‘’Ten bucks it’s gonna be Raven first.’’

 

I smiled. ‘’Deal.’’ I brought out my hand to shake hers and she did. Then she rested her head on my shoulder again and still held my hand, playing with my fingers.

 

We stayed silent for a while, only the wind audible.

 

‘’My mom is getting married next week.’’ Clarke began.

 

‘’Right that’s next week. You want to go?’’

 

‘’I don’t know. I feel like I should. I just don’t want to go alone.’’

 

‘’I understand.’’ I sighed.

 

‘’Lexa?’’

 

‘’Mm?’’

 

‘’I know it’s too much to ask but, would you want to come with me to her wedding? Just for a little while? I know she’s been nothing but terrible to you. But I don’t want to lose her yet.’’

 

I had no idea what to say. Why did Clarke do this every single time? She knew I couldn’t say no to her. She knew I would never let her go alone to something like that.

 

‘’Would that make you happy?’’ I asked carefully.

 

‘’Yes.’’ I felt Clarke nodded on my shoulder.

 

‘’Then I’ll go with you.’’

 

Clarke looked up at me again. ‘’You sure? You can say no. It’s okay.’’ She had a sad look on her face. How could I say no?

 

‘’I’m sure. I’ll go with you. It’s just that your mom kind of told me not to touch you or anything or she would kill me. And believe it or not, I believe her.’’

 

Clarke scoffed. ‘’It’s okay. She doesn’t get to decide that.’’

 

I laughed nervously. ‘’She kind of does.’’ I knew what Abby was capable of.

 

‘’Well, then we’ll behave ourselves. We can go together somewhere without hand holding or cuddling, right?’’

 

I felt a little selfish for thinking Clarke was choosing her mom above me. She probably didn’t mean it like that. Besides, it was kind of the only option we had.

 

‘’I think I can behave myself.’’ I smiled and pushed a quick kiss on her nose.

 

She smiled at the touch and laid her head in my neck.

 

Suddenly I got an idea.

 

‘’Well then, if we can’t dance at the wedding, what about we dance right now?’’

 

Clarke laughed. ‘’Right here? Right now?’’

 

‘’Sure.’’ I stood up and asked for her hand.

 

Clarke looked around her and looked up at me again.

 

‘’Nobody’s around, come on.’’

 

‘’But we have no music.’’ Clarke protested.

 

‘’Then I’ll hum something.’’ I smiled.

 

Clarke laughed and finally but doubtingly grabbed my hand and stood up.

 

I intertwined our fingers and grabbed her waist to pull her in closer. She rested her hand on my shoulder and we both smiled at each other, she following my lead. I could feel her relax a little bit. I started humming softly which made Clarke chuckle. Her smile was everything I wanted to see right now. Seeing her happy made me happy.

 

I brought my forehead to hers to be even closer to her. After a little while Clarke locked our eyes. She looked beautiful. Just like our first date I felt the urge to kiss her. But this time, I didn’t. Clarke did.

 

All of a sudden she moved in closer and kissed me. I stopped dancing because I felt a little overwhelmed. Calm but nervous. I carefully cupped one cheek and after a sweet, short kiss she broke it. She rested her head on my chest and embraced me as we continued dancing. I stopped thinking about all of my problems. I stopped thinking about Abby. I stopped thinking about Anya and Raven. I stopped thinking about Clarke not getting her memory back anymore. I just cared about the two of us, in this moment. Right now, this was wherever I wanted to be.


End file.
